Random Monday

In CategoryRandom Monday
ByDeb

Random-Monday-Main-Final

• This house hunting stuff blows, man. We put in an offer on a house, and they rejected it, and then a week later they called and wanted to resurrect the deal, and then we were like, “Sure!” and then they’ve kept us waiting for a reply for the last TWO WEEKS because apparently THEY made an offer on a house and they are waiting for THOSE sellers to accept and we are at the bottom of a long chain of buyers and sellers.

I am continuing to look, but it’s slim pickins for people who who want a really nice house for not very much money in one of three tiny neighborhoods.

• I have been distracting myself from the gloominess of house hunting by buying lamps. I think I have a problem. On Friday, I came home with three lamps. THREE. The week before I bought two ginormous shades for some of the Christmas lamps Jim bought me.

GI-NOR-MOUS.

Lamps

I don’t know if the full magnitude of these lamps comes across, but they are basically so big that I knock into them every time I get into my desk chair. Jim thinks we might need a bigger house, just for these lamps.

They are awesome. They make me happy. These lamps have attitude. These lamps don’t take no crap from nobody. These lamps are all, “BAM! HOW DO YOU LIKE ME SO FAR?”

• We went to the pediatrician last week to get a well-child checkup, and I guess the allergy test we had him do TWO YEARS AGO for Big came back super-positive for a Cashew and Walnut allergy, and now we have to see a specialist and I might even have to turn into one of those people who has an epi-pen and barks at other moms about the Tree Nut Content of their Communal Snacks.

Whilst we were at the pediatrician, he remembered we homeschool and said, “I don’t mind if you homeschool,” and I said, “good, because I wasn’t looking for your permission.”

oh yes I did

AND THEN he told us that the Orchestra teacher at the public school his son attends was caught KISSING and SEXTING students!

AND THEN he told us to make sure our kids were getting enough… wait for it… SOCIALIZATION.

**eyeroll**

• Big came into the bathroom the other day while I was getting ready to go out with a list of things he needed me to pickup for the Super Bowl. See, one time, like THREE YEARS AGO, I made a bunch of elaborate snacks for the Super Bowl. This apparently made quite an impression on him and I inadvertently set a precedent and now he is instructing me on grocery shopping.

“Mom, I have some plans for Football Day. It’s really quite simple, actually. I have a diagram.”

A DIAGRAM.

SuperBowl-Snack-Plan

“We need two cake stands and an NFL tablecloth and some flowers for a centerpiece. Each one of these circles represents a different kind of cheese.”

Sucker Mom spent $18 on fancy cheese at Whole Foods Saturday.

cheese-2

Blueberry Wensleydale, Costswold with Chive, and White Stilton with Lemon

• Happy Monday, y’all!

Mother-in-Law Story

In CategoryNavel Gazing
ByDeb

My mother-in-law is in town.

All week.

So. That.

She came over Tuesday, and after dinner we settled the kids with the iPad, made coffee, and prepared to get all the Family Gossip. Somehow we got on the topic of her Eventual Demise and she started giving instructions on what she wants.

MIL: I don’t want to ever move again. I don’t want to go through all that stuff. I’ll just leave it for you guys and it will be your problem

Me: I hope you don’t expect me to keep everything you’ve ever inherited. I don’t even keep my own stuff.

MIL, sighing: I know.

MIL: I still have all those potties.

(When Jim and I first got married, my mother-in-law tried to pawn this collection of potties (yes. potties) off on me. Apparently some relative collected them and no one could bear to part with them. Again – we’re talking about little collectible pottie tchotchke thingys. Like Precious Moments statues. Except, you know. Toilets. Displayed on a shelf. Because decorative?)

Jim: We’ll put those potties in your casket and you can take them with you. (see, it’s not just me who is mean)

MIL: I don’t want to be buried. I can’t think about the worms getting me. I want to be cremated.

Me: The worms won’t get you.

MIL: How do you KNOW, though?

Me, patiently: Because. They don’t just put the coffin in the DIRT, they have to pour a concrete vault. Worms won’t get you, I promise. You’ll just turn into People Soup.

MIL, jumping up: PEOPLE SOUP! GAH!

MIL: No, I want to be cremated and then you guys can take my ashes to all the places I want to be.

Jim and I: ALL the places?

MIL: Yeah. There’s only five.

Me: Is there a budget for this Ashes Sprinkling Junket?

MIL, rolling her eyes: Fine, I’ll leave some money so you can go on a cruise.

Me: I can work with that.

MIL. So, you have to take some to Kansas, and some to the mountains, and…

Me, interrupting: I thought you said there was a cruise? So far I’m just driving to Kansas.

MIL: Royal Caribbean has a package where you can sprinkle ashes at sea and they have a ceremony and everything.

Me: Like a Vegas Wedding, but with dead people?

MIL: Exactly.

Jim: WE WILL PUT THE ASHES IN THE POTTIES AND BURY THEM!

Me: YES!

MIL: In all of them? There are 40, you know. (40! FORTY POTTIES!)

Me: No, just the best five.

MIL, making a face: What if I don’t like the ones you pick?

Me, slowly: Well. Then I guess you can Suck It from the Great Beyond.

She laughed. Thank goodness.

 

Later, she said, “I guess you’ll have a story to tell your knitting group now, huh?

And I said, “Oh, don’t you worry, I am TOTALLY telling this story.” 

Random Monday

In CategoryRandom Monday
ByDeb

Random-Monday-Main-Final

• This is interesting: How Netflix Reinvented Human Resources from the Harvard Business Review. I know it doesn’t SEEM interesting on the face of it, but it is.

• Also did you know you can push any kind of document to a Kindle? Imagine the possibilities! Stuff you want your kids to read, schedules for your kids, all kinds of new and techy ways to get in up in their grill and tell them what to do. I have not actually tried this myself, but a friend of mine raved about it.

• House hunting story:

We had just finished looking at a house last weekend, and we were standing around talking with the realtor about what we thought. The kids were milling around waiting, and out of the corner of my ear, I hear the teeny, tiny, 7 year old voice of my daughter say conversationally, “the yard would have been nice if it wasn’t for all that dog shit.”

**sigh**

• I took a sewing class on Saturday and made this!

Janet-Bag2

So exciting! I am taking a class on pajama pants this Saturday. I will be a sewing FIEND, practically. As soon as I figure out why my machine isn’t doing it right, that is.

• Happy Monday, y’all!

A Day in the Life

In CategoryHome Schooling, Navel Gazing
ByDeb

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Because my son is driving me insane and my eyeballs might actually explode from repressing the inner screams if I don’t vent SOMEwhere, I am pleased to present A Day In The Life.

7:30 am
Kids come get into bed with me to snuggle. This turns into a discussion wherein Little notices her hair is getting darker. I said that my hair was lighter when I was a little girl and hers might eventually darken too. Her response was giant crocodile tears spilling down her cheeks while she wailed, “but I want to stay beautiful!”

I was like, “so if your hair turns dark like mine, you will not be beautiful anymore?” and she says, wrinkling her nose, “your hair is just so BROWN.” and I go, “like poop, you mean? I HAVE POOP HAIR, LITTLE, IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE SAYING?” which I can barely get out because I am laughing so hard because I am an eleven year old boy.

She, naturally, continues crying and trying to tell me that I AM beautiful, but not in the same WAY because of my unfortunately colored hair. Apparently, my poop-colored hair is only redeemed by all the shiny silver hairs. This goes on for a long time, with me dragging her brother into it and asking Little if Big is also hideous like me, and her continual assertions that I am cute, just not in the best way possible. I am practically convulsing at this point.

She is patting my hair and sifting through it to find the less offensive silver hairs, when she then goes, “your hair IS pretty mommy, except right there where there isn’t any.” Which is suddenly less funny because now I not only have BROWN hair, it is also patchy and balding. I start groping my own head looking for this bald spot and protesting that I probably just slept on it funny and making mental notes to ask Jim if there really IS a bald spot. I thought Big was going to pee himself from laughing. Eventually she decides that my hair isn’t poopy, it’s just boring.

Obviously, I dish out some reminders that what makes a person beautiful is what’s on the inside and being kind is more important than being pretty and blah-blah-blah. I’m thinking those of us with patchy bald poo hair start out behind, though.

9:00 am
I decide that it’s time to quit this nonsense, and we should get up and do something productive. The kids fling themselves against the door at this announcement and tell me that we are going to stay in bed all day and they won’t let me out. I change the sheets and tidy up while they concoct elaborate plans to keep me from escaping. Eventually they both make the mistake of leaving and I promptly lock the door.

I pass notes under the door while they tried to pick the lock.

Notes2

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10:30 am
I decide that we need to get with it, so I call Big down to do schoolwork. I make a stack of everything he can do independently and tell him to make it happen. He alternates between complaining that Little isn’t going first and saying he wants to stay with me and work on my desk, thus making it impossible for me to work with Little at the same time. **eyeroll**

11:00 am – 11:30 am
I nag him to stop staring into space, stop tearing tiny bits off the edges of the papers, stop scribbling on everything and GET TO WORK FOR THE LOVE.

11:40 am
I tell him I won’t be making lunch until his work is done. (so mean!)

11:45 am
He sort of starts working, but mostly seems to be developing a code that I will have to translate before I can check his work. I threaten to print out the page again for him to do-over if I see so much as a hint of anything code-like on the page.

11:50 am
He enthusiastically extols the virtues of his math code and studiously writes it all down on scratch paper to save for his sister to use in two years. I make lunch for Little.

11:55 am
Big starts singing a theme song for his code, and asks me to vote on which variation I like best. I laugh, and wonder if I am going mad.

Noon
Little’s lunch (leftover pizza) smells so good, it spurs him to get his stupid page done. I make his lunch. I write this story and yell at people to CHEW WITH THEIR MOUTHS CLOSED OR GO OUTSIDE. (I said I was mean. Keep up.)

2:00 pm
I get them settled with their kindles and take a shower. Nothing says classy like finally putting on a bra in the middle of the afternoon.

3:00 pm
Go grocery shopping. Leave all kids behind, where they are their dad’s problem. Cackle evilly in my head and remember that Safeway has a Starbucks in it. Probably it’s a sign.

5:00 pm
Home from the store and wondering if I can possibly get out of cooking dinner.

Feel happy tomorrow is knitting day.

 

For more Day In The Life posts, see here and here.