Stupid Nature Shows

In CategoryNavel Gazing
ByDeb

A (slightly disturbing?) Story – 

The other day, the kids are I were driving to the Big City to grocery shop and hit Walmarts.

Little: Mommy! If you were an ocean creature, what creature would you be?

(she often asks these kinds of questions. it is an ongoing conversation around here)

Me: Mmm, I don’t know. I want to be at the top of the food chain. Maybe an Orca?

Little: Yeah! An orca! And I will be your baby orca!

Little, enthusiastically: Mommy! Pretend we are swimming! We are swimming and swimming as fast as we can, except I am just a baby and get tired, but you go ahead and see a Great White Shark and you kill it and bring it back to me and we eat it up! And she had babies in there and we gobble up all her babies too!

Me: HORRIFIED SILENCE

 

 

I told Jim this story later, and he was all, “looks like we need to put another dollar in the therapy jar.”

Mambo Number Five

In CategoryNavel Gazing
ByDeb

So a couple weeks ago, Jim had to go out of town again. That, for those keeping track, was trip number FIVE. Five trips in nine weeks. FIVE. From my perspective, work basically held the entire summer hostage, since he was either gone or getting ready to go somewhere since the end of June. Even though he was gone constantly, life went on, and I was left in charge of all kinds of things that I don’t like to be in charge of.

Like The Guy. You know – The Guy. The Lawn Guy, The Handyman Guy, The Tree Guy… This particular week, I was forced to deal with The Tree Guy. I hate dealing with The Guy.

I kept Jim apprised of the situation –

Text-1        Text-2

 

text-3        Text-4

 

Text-5        Text-6

In any event, The Guy and all associated Guys eventually left and in spite of everything, did a good job. The next week we had a huge windstorm that knocked branches down all over the neighborhood and I was able to sit back and feel smug that we had done the Responsible Thing before a giant branch had a chance to fall on our house. Which frankly, is not generally how things go at our house.

 

When the cat’s away, the mouse paints everything

In CategoryAdventures in Decorating, Navel Gazing
ByDeb

Jim was gone AGAIN all last week, making the 4th week out of the last 8 he hasn’t been here. This is very trying. I would complain about this more, but a lot of my friends have endured year-long deployments and I am a sissy in comparison. How you guys did it, I don’t know. It’s only been a few weeks and I already feel myself becoming sullen and resentful – “what’s it to YOU, you don’t even LIVE here!” and so on. I am such an awesome wife.

While he was away on the most recent trip (apparently a horrible one which afforded me the chance to crow about making the best pot roast ever while poor Jim endured awful group take out from the cheapest place the company could find (see also: Awesome Wife)), some things happened.

First, in the week he was home, he managed to catch a cold and infect us all. Naturally, the minute I realized Little was sick was the very instant stories of this new virus hospitalizing hundreds of kids started making the news the very week we were scheduled to start a class at the local museum where there would be a whole bunch of germ-riddled kids.

Second, I managed to lock the three of us out of the house. Why do these things always happen to me? At least this time I had clothes on. In any event, it wasn’t too bad, since we had access to the garage – where there are like, 47 keys on a hook which open exactly zero of the doors in this house – and Big was only too excited to go find his pocketknife so we could pry off a screen and shove him through the window. They couldn’t wait to rat me out to their dad that night when he called.

Third, since he wasn’t here to stop me, I did this –

Fireplace-0
before

Fireplace-1
during

Fireplace-2
after

I realize these pictures are pretty bad. I will apparently never be a Lifestyle Blogger who is featured in Domino Magazine. How does she get the top of the picture straight but the bottom stays crooked? I don’t knoooowwwww.

I am going to paint the inside with some black high-heat paint and also probably do something to those hideous tiles. And maybe get something for the big, stupid, inoperable black hole of a firebox. Dried hydrangeas? Pottery Barn says Yes.

I’d show you the whole room, but it’s basically covered in blankets and stuffed animals and used tissues. Fancy!

** The wall color is Sherwin Williams Quietude, which is a fantastic blue-green that manages to look different on every wall in every room. You can see way better examples of it on Pinterest.

Random Monday

In CategoryNavel Gazing
ByDeb

Random-Monday-Main-Final

 

• I had a whole rant about yogurt, but when I wrote it all down it seemed really stupid and petty. Just know that yogurt did me wrong last week.

• I put stevia in my coffee this morning instead of sugar, and now I might die. This stuff is vile. VILE. To everyone who told me you can’t tell the difference: come here so I can slap you real hard.

A single doorknob can contaminate 60% of the people in a building within 4 hours. And people make fun of me for carrying antibac in my purse. Humans are gross, that’s why.

• I thought this was interesting. It reminded me of my dad, who would say, “we might not know where we are going, but we are going there with authority.”

• After seeing how much the kids like Scratch, I found this place – Youth Digital. Online programming classes for kids 8-12! Cool, right? Spendy, but cool.

• When I saw this article in Eating Well about how to heal your gut and balance your gut bacteria, I immediately thought of all the people I know with issues in that department, which made it all the more fascinating. It’s FASCINATING. I read the whole thing to Jim at midnight on Saturday night while he sat and wished I wasn’t.

• This is HILARIOUS. There’s cursing, so consider yourselves warned.

• Happy Monday, y’all!