Random Monday

In CategoryNavel Gazing, Random Monday


• Happy New Year, y’all! Doesn’t it seem like this is the REAL first day of the new year? Jim is back to work and we are back to school. Since we’ve basically had Christmas vacation since Thanksgiving, I anticipate much reviewing and procrastinating and eye-rolling. Probably the kids won’t be have a great attitude either.

• I have been reading around on the Twitter that people are choosing a word to guide them through the year. The first words that I thought of for myself were, “Get it together, you’re 42 years old for crying out loud” but that seemed too long. I guess my word would be… settle? Like Settle Down. Settle In. I want to find the sweet spot. We want to still travel, but we want to have a home base. We want to Adventure, but we want to get the kids involved with activities. I’d like to get us set on a course that will last for the next several years.

• To that end, we are thinking of buying a house. A small house. SMALL being the operative word. Small enough that we can afford both it and a couple of trips a year. So that is a small house indeed. We’ve already begun looking, which is both sort of fun and sort of horrible. I just want a really nice tiny house for not very much money. Is that too much to ask? Yes. I know it is. In the nether regions of Colorado, they describe a kitchen as “recently updated” if they installed new formica in 1990. I reminded the realtor that 1990 was TWENTY-FIVE years ago, and could I please see kitchens from THIS century?

If you pity anyone in this scenario, it should be our poor realtor.

• I suppose you might reserve some pity for yourselves, because I will undoubtedly be blathering on about the house hunt endlessly. Poor readers.

For example, we saw one house that I’m pretty sure was in an episode of Wives with Knives or something –

Murder Room Basement

If it had a floor drain, you could imagine something grizzly happening there. And it’s not a bad picture. If anything, it looks worse in real life. The realtor said it might be a good storage area, and I said, “oh. I thought that was the meth-cooking area.”

Again, pity my poor realtor.

• Happy Monday, y’all! Here’s to killing it in 2014!

The Ins and Outs of 2014

In CategoryNavel Gazing

So on New Year’s Eve, Jim and I tried to watch Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rocking Eve, but they were playing horrible music, with one song in particular being performed by a little girl and all I wanted to do was put a coat around her shoulders and take her for a cheeseburger and maybe talk about embracing abstinence of all kinds.

So we switched it to YoYo Ma performing with the New York City Philharmonic, which made me feel simultaneously Smug Homeschooler and Failed Cool Chick. (I might have been cool. once. for a minute. shut up.)

In any event, while the kids soaked up the culture, I read magazines to figure out how I’m supposed to act in the New Year.

According to House & Home, I should paint my trim the same color as my walls, and decorate in Modern Safari with accents of Macrame.

Response? No. To all of the above. Have we run out of ideas? Are things really so grim that we have to revert back to macrame owls? Just NO. I’d rather see Recycled Shopping Bag Chickens.

According to Real Simple, I should pick up Moby Dick to de-stress. Sure. That’ll happen.

Also, incorporate fun into everyday tasks, ask for help when I’m overwhelmed (did I really PAY for this advice? Girl, please), and tickle my kids awake. Uh-huh. I tickle my kids all the time and it always ends in tears. Usually mine after I get kicked in the head.

According to Better Homes & Gardens, the color orange is in and I should embrace it. DONE AND DONE. Thank you BH&G!

Here’s what I think should be in: More Real Housewives franchises. Sometimes there are whole weeks between one series ending and the next series beginning. It’s a problem.

I can’t think of anything else that should be in, unless it’s announcements like Science Discovers Fried Foods Are Actually Good For You. And like, my kids embracing Quiet Time. And Chewing with Their Mouths Closed. And Quiet Time. And Early Bedtimes. And Quiet Time. I don’t know how to go from Wishful Thinking to National Trend on those, though.

Let’s talk about what should be out in 2014. Here are the things I’d be happy to never see again:

OUT: Miley Cyrus. Sorry, it’s just the first thing that popped into my head. Particularly her tongue and drug use and any body parts that general modesty dictates should be covered.

OUT: Men wearing deep vee-neck t-shirts. Please. Please go away, man cleavage. It’s gross.

OUT: Kale. Go away, Kale. You are chewy and fibrous and unpleasant. I would like people to stop pretending they like kale. They must be pretending, right? It’s a weed. I think Cauliflower is poised to jump ahead of Kale in 2014.

OUT: Vampire movies, Hunger Games movies…pretty much anything that teenage girls squeal over. I’d like all that stuff out of my vicinity.

In any event, Happy New Year to all mah peeps! I look forward to a blank slate! 


In CategoryNavel Gazing

I know we are all supposed to eschew any coarse discussion of Christmas presents, and instead focus on how we had a quiet holiday serenely surrounded by our loved ones in our warm and serene homes that we decorated with pinecones and boughs from the backyard (in which a spider or tick would not dare show it’s disgusting face and disrupt our serenity) and giving gifts (an envelope indicating a goat smugly given in your name to someone in a third-world country) wrapped in brown paper and jute while cradling mugs of hot organic green tea (fair trade only, obviously) and serenely discussing our plans to become vegan locavores (third world goat gift notwithstanding), but I want to talk about my LOOT.

Specifically, these lamps, which Jim drove 100 miles (round trip) to get for me –

Christmas-Lamps-1   Christmas-Lamps-2

Seriously. Can you even IMAGINE a better lamp?

Here’s the second one, which matches, but is not identical and I love that about them –

Christmas-Lamps-3   Christmas-Lamps-4

I love these lamps without reservation. They are just so cool. And the shades! I don’t know if you can tell, but the shades are ENORMOUS. They just sort of scream LAMP! at you when you walk into the room. They are so huge, you wonder if they’re being ironic. It’s fantastic.

How about you guys? You have a good holiday? You get anything good? We can talk privately about our shallow materialism here. If anyone asks, we talked about making our own gift tags using Found Items from the Woods.