The Ins and Outs of 2014

In CategoryNavel Gazing

So on New Year’s Eve, Jim and I tried to watch Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rocking Eve, but they were playing horrible music, with one song in particular being performed by a little girl and all I wanted to do was put a coat around her shoulders and take her for a cheeseburger and maybe talk about embracing abstinence of all kinds.

So we switched it to YoYo Ma performing with the New York City Philharmonic, which made me feel simultaneously Smug Homeschooler and Failed Cool Chick. (I might have been cool. once. for a minute. shut up.)

In any event, while the kids soaked up the culture, I read magazines to figure out how I’m supposed to act in the New Year.

According to House & Home, I should paint my trim the same color as my walls, and decorate in Modern Safari with accents of Macrame.

Response? No. To all of the above. Have we run out of ideas? Are things really so grim that we have to revert back to macrame owls? Just NO. I’d rather see Recycled Shopping Bag Chickens.

According to Real Simple, I should pick up Moby Dick to de-stress. Sure. That’ll happen.

Also, incorporate fun into everyday tasks, ask for help when I’m overwhelmed (did I really PAY for this advice? Girl, please), and tickle my kids awake. Uh-huh. I tickle my kids all the time and it always ends in tears. Usually mine after I get kicked in the head.

According to Better Homes & Gardens, the color orange is in and I should embrace it. DONE AND DONE. Thank you BH&G!

Here’s what I think should be in: More Real Housewives franchises. Sometimes there are whole weeks between one series ending and the next series beginning. It’s a problem.

I can’t think of anything else that should be in, unless it’s announcements like Science Discovers Fried Foods Are Actually Good For You. And like, my kids embracing Quiet Time. And Chewing with Their Mouths Closed. And Quiet Time. And Early Bedtimes. And Quiet Time. I don’t know how to go from Wishful Thinking to National Trend on those, though.

Let’s talk about what should be out in 2014. Here are the things I’d be happy to never see again:

OUT: Miley Cyrus. Sorry, it’s just the first thing that popped into my head. Particularly her tongue and drug use and any body parts that general modesty dictates should be covered.

OUT: Men wearing deep vee-neck t-shirts. Please. Please go away, man cleavage. It’s gross.

OUT: Kale. Go away, Kale. You are chewy and fibrous and unpleasant. I would like people to stop pretending they like kale. They must be pretending, right? It’s a weed. I think Cauliflower is poised to jump ahead of Kale in 2014.

OUT: Vampire movies, Hunger Games movies…pretty much anything that teenage girls squeal over. I’d like all that stuff out of my vicinity.

In any event, Happy New Year to all mah peeps! I look forward to a blank slate!