Random Monday – Christmas Edition

In CategoryNavel Gazing, Random Monday


• Merry Christmas, lovelies!

• The other night, I called to order the Annual Meeting of What Shall We Have for Christmas Dinner. I listed all the options, the general idea being that I cook a nice dinner on Christmas Eve, make a nice breakfast on Christmas morning, provide assorted snackage throughout the day, and then culminate in a relaxing Christmas Dinner of Leftovers. Preferably a dinner heated up by Jim whilst I sit on the couch, languidly gesturing toward the kitchen.

Everyone started shouting out ideas of what they want to eat and they were all different. Natch. Jim voted ham (but I know in his heart he wants turkey), Little voted roast chicken, and Big burst into tears at the mention of leftovers. Natch.

Me, confused: “what is your problem? you eat leftovers all the time around here, what’s the big deal?”

Big, wailing: “I don’t knoooooow! I just don’t want leftovers!”

And so we went around and around, with me becoming more mystified and him becoming more incoherently sobby and wail-y, until he finally gasped out, “can we at least have SANDWICHES?”

So I CAN serve leftover Christmas Eve Dinner as long as I don’t CALL it leftovers, and I slap it between two pieces of bread? DONE AND DONE, LITTLE BOY.

• After driving myself to the very edge of madness and despair trying to accommodate everyone, I finally decided to get a packaged turkey dinner from Whole Foods and that will be that. And a loaf of bread for Big, I suppose. Sixty bucks is actually a fair price when you factor in my sanity.

• In the true Spirit of Christmas, I have been buying myself all sorts of treats and then coming home and cheerfully saying to Jim, “look what you bought me! Do you want to wrap it?”

• I love you all! Have a great day!

Gymnastics Convo of Awesomeness

In CategoryNavel Gazing

So after I posted about the Gymnastics debacle, some of my twitter pals commiserated with me. The following conversation had me laughing so hard I was literally crying. LOLSHILC, if you will.





Thanks, Mel, for letting me share it.

Random Monday – Narcissism Edition

In CategoryNavel Gazing, Random Monday



Last week, the Knitters had a cookie swap. It was fun. Knowing people in real life is nice. And all the knitters are fascinating people.

One of the ladies cornered some of us in the kitchen and gave a very detailed, almost cringe-inducing review of 50 Shades of Gray. Conclusion? She didn’t care for it. But she read the next two, just to be sure.

AND THEN. At the end, I got all drunk on sugar and told another person about this blog, which makes, like, THREE whole people in real life who know about it. (well, four, but one of them isn’t talking to me anymore for reasons I do not understand. maybe for things I’ve said here. does she still count? I don’t know).

I am slightly nervous about telling because…well, all the reasons seem eye-rollingly narcissistic and paranoid, and come ON, Deb, it’s just silly daily navel gazing, what’s so earth-shattering about that? But I don’t edit myself here (well, except for the cursing. blog cursing is low-brow, and I am v. sophisticated, as we all are aware), and I don’t want to start.

And now you guys are all spraining your eyeballs and thinking, “for Pete’s sake, what is the big deal? it’s not like your endlessly hysterical occasionally amusing stories about shopping for little girls’ underpants are State Secrets, GET OVER YOURSELF.” Which is also, in fact, what I am telling myself. But then my OTHER self says, “hey. don’t be mean. just because it’s silly, doesn’t mean you can’t be protective and private about it.”

Announcing you have a blog can smack of narcissism, too, don’t you think? It’s a quandary. Tell, and know people are thinking, “and WHY would I give a crap about your mundane and poorly punctuated life story?” or DON’T tell, and know people would think, “you aren’t that special, you ego-maniac. Your time would be better spent learning how to use a comma.”

I think on some level it’s easier to write for an anonymous audience, knowing you come here eagerly willingly because you adore me like me find me hilarious insightful tolerable.

Actually, another reason for being shy is that one of my friends can be rather…combative and it can be exhausting. I don’t want to see her and be immediately leapt upon.

For example, here’s an actual conversation from this summer

Me: I’m thinking of looking into gymnastics for Little.
Her: Gymnastics is child abuse.

Plus also now my poor real-life friends have to hear all my stories twice, which seems AWESOME unfair.

Do you guys tell people in your real life about your blogs? Did you injure yourselves rolling your collective eyes at me? How would you explain to someone who told you THREE YEARS ago that you should start a blog that you did and just sort of…didn’t tell them?


In CategoryHome Schooling, Navel Gazing

You guys. I have never seen so many kids with their fingers up their noses in one place.

Okay, so we went to our gymnastics free trial lesson to see how Little liked it.

She liked it just fine, but I was a nervous wreck. Because unsocialized. I am always nervous about events with other kids. I want my kids to be, like, normal and stuff, but in order to do that, you have to go hang out with other kids and other kids are scary, yo. Scary, scary nosepickers.

Like, for reals. This little boy sitting next to us picked his nose, looked at it, put it back IN his nose (WHATISSSSSSHAPPENIIIINNNG???), and then rubbed his hands all over his mama’s face.

I about died.


They started out with warming up, i.e. running around and doing jumping jacks.

Here’s something: my homeschooler doesn’t know how to do jumping jacks. There was jumping, and there was arm-waving, but it wasn’t in concert. That’s how I know the other kids were public schoolers. Their ability to do PE. That, and the homework-nagging and excruciating reading aloud I was subjected to in the mom waiting room. Seriously, do you guys teach your kids how to do jumping jacks and push-ups and stuff? If I want my kids to get exercise, I chuck them outside and they race around chasing each other with sticks while I watch The Real Housewives. I never thought to have a regimen. Mom Fail.

Little had a pretty good time, but there were too many students per teacher (20-ish kids, 2 adults) to keep track of. There were 3 stations with balance beams, bars, and assorted cushion-y things. They divided the kids into 2 groups and each group went to each station in turn. The teacher spent about 3 minutes with each kid while the rest of them sort of milled around and did somersaults and played on the equipment.

CORRECTION. SOME of the kids did somersaults. My poor tiny homeschooler ALSO does not know how to do a somersault. She just sort of flung herself onto the giant cushion and then jumped up and ran off. Another Mom Fail! In my defense, I am 42 years old and do not do somersaults. Jim tried to show her once, but he’s 45 and about broke his neck. I felt horrid about my lack of tumbling training. I thought that’s WHAT THE LESSON WAS FOR. For the record, she can’t do a cartwheel either.

At the first station, they practiced somersaults and cartwheels, and bench-pressed the low parallel bars.

I was not a fan of the bench-pressing because Little almost dropped the whole UNPADDED STEEL CONTRAPTION on her head THREE TIMES.

Here, I’ve illustrated it for you –

Here are the low parallel bars:



How’s that? Oh, wait, here’s a better picture:

parallel bars

Okay, so the kids were supposed to lay in between the bars and bench-press them up and down for reasons that escape me. I suspect this is the gymnastics equivalent of homework worksheets, aka busywork, aka a complete waste of time.

So here’s Little, bench-pressing away:


are you judging my drawing? I can’t draw feet, leave me alone, you…you… you judgey-pants!

except she kept laying too close to the end of the bars and THREE TIMES this nearly happened:



I’m not even kidding. I was a nervous wreck. Oh, I said that already. There was not enough supervision. What do I know though? I often have anxiety when it comes to my kids and activities. Doesn’t one instructor for ten maniacal 7 year olds seem like not enough? Doesn’t bench-pressing parallel bars (the boys lifted them as high as they could go and then dropped them – one boy almost lopped off his toes) seem stupid and dangerous?


So. There you go. I deliberately chose a little gymnastics place where there wouldn’t be any pressure to join a team or make the Olympics or any of that serious stuff, but I DID rather expect more than an after-school program with 9 minutes of gymnastics instruction and 51 minutes of running around in an (undoubtedly booger-encrusted) padded room. Is that overly demanding?

You guys. I suck at this. Quick, commiserate with me.