The Perfect Christmas Gift: I Found It

In CategoryNavel Gazing
ByDeb

‘Member last year how I gave Jim the Meggings for Christmas?

Meggings2

I have been wondering how I would ever top that.

Well lookie here –

swants

SWANTS. As in, Sweater Plus Pants Equals.

Apparently they are all the rage in Iceland.

Do not be dismayed if you haven’t heard of them yet. I am very fashion-forward, you know.

As it happens, I am also very into Recycled Sweaters this year. I have a whole laundry basket full of them sitting not 5 feet from me this instant. One day soon, hopefully before December 24th, they will be turned into Sweater Stockings. Or perhaps Sweater Mittens.

Or perhaps even Sweater Pants.

You know you want some.

swants2

Random Monday

In CategoryRandom Monday
ByDeb

Random-Monday-Main-Final

 

I keep seeing these FaceBook posts that are, like, 7 Things You Don’t Know About Me. I don’t know what that’s about, but I figured I could go in for some narcissism too, since I never get a chance to talk about myself. No one gave me a number, and no one even invited me to do this, but whatever. It’s FINE.

1) I ruined dinner last night.

A $12 pork roast from Whole Paycheck that was supposed to be carnitas turned into $12 worth of charcoal in the bottom of my favorite pot. The best part was that I made a big production about how good dinner was going to be even though it was an hour and a half past the kids’ dinnertime and they were emotionally overwrought from hunger and then when I figured I could salvage it with enough cheese and sour cream, the tortillas I bought at Whole Foods YESTERDAY were discovered to be MOLDY and I had to send Jim out for more and getting cold did not, in fact, improve the briquettes AT ALL.

There was crying. By more than just me. I ended up scrounging yogurt and leftovers for the poor babies. Jim gamely ate the charcoal, which would have been some comfort if I hadn’t been wallowing in self pity. These things always happen when I follow the directions.

2) I have about eleventy-million plans to hand make presents for every person I’ve ever met this Christmas and have not started a single one. I also have plans to decorate the tree with handmade ornaments and make handmade stockings out of sweaters from the thrift store and make fancy Martha-Stewart-esque cookies every week because we are going to create some happy memories if it kills me, damn it. I might need an intervention.

3) I keep thinking I should blog about school, but every time I remember, more time has passed. It’s NOVEMBER, for pete’s sake. I doubt if my insights into Writing Your Own History Curriculum will be very helpful. I suppose the chances of being Helpful and Insightful would increase if I actually progressed beyond keeping a cute basket of History books near my side of the couch. History, apparently, will be taught in the second semester. Along with Science

4) Speaking of science, I broke down and BOUGHT the red cabbage indicator so I could stop murdering cabbages regularly. Three years and many cabbages ago, I deemed the red cabbage indicator too expensive to order. Ha, I say to Past Deb. Ha-HA, even.

5) I went to FIVE thrift stores in two days and could not find any little boy jeans for Big. I fear I have turned the corner and will now never find anything suitable for him on the cheap again. I went to Old Navy, but couldn’t stomach $15 per pair, and then went to Target and they were $15 there too. So I went home and decided to use a 20% off coupon Old Navy emailed me. I was fairly happy with this because he really liked those jeans and I got free shipping and it wasn’t THAT much money… and just when I had accepted the situation, Old Navy emailed me a coupon for THIRTY FIVE percent off and I spent Sunday seething with indignation and declaring Old Navy dead to me and concocting elaborate plans to rectify the situation. Because that’s how I ROLL.

6) Before I ruined dinner yesterday, I bullied everyone into cleaning the kids’ rooms and sorting through their toys looking for things to donate in our Annual Pre-Christmas Purge. Sorting through the kids’ stuff is always horrible. There are little scraps of paper, and unidentifiable broken bits and disgusting hair-covered mystery chunks mixed in with the toys. Going through the books was hard this time. I was pretty brutal in getting rid of books that have been around since Big was a baby. Little is reading chapter books now though, and it was time to let The Ten Little Ladybugs go. Is there anything more bittersweet than putting away things because there isn’t another baby to save them for? I think not.

7) All right, that’s all I’ve got. I have to go watch football now. I hate football, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting the Broncos to stomp the Chiefs, if only to quiet the insufferable Chiefs fans I am friends with. I saved 3 issues of Us Weekly to help dull the pain of nodding politely while Jim tries to tell me what’s happening.

(nodding politely! hah! I suspect, gentle readers, you know me better than that)

 

Happy Monday, y’all!

 

8) Okay, one more. I want an apothecary jar to put Christmas ornaments and lights in (because I’m decorate-y that way). Don’t judge me now, but the handles on the lids all look like tiny, um, phalluses (phalli?). Is it just me? I can’t have a tiny phallus-lidded jar, people. I just can’t.

Elf on a Shelf: Just Say No.

In CategoryNavel Gazing
ByDeb

Pinterest 3 

Elf-on-a-Shelf.

I don’t get it.

I’d never even heard of it before a couple years ago.

So basically, I’m supposed to make a mess in my own house that I will have to clean up (because cleaning = Super! Fun!), then make up some creepy story about a creepy elf that comes to life at night and creepily flies around making giant messes that I thinks are funny and cute, but if my kids did that crap, I’d have a hissy fit?

A quick search on Pinterest finds these Elf-on-a-Shelf ideas:

Elf 4

Elf goes fishing in the toilet for goldfish crackers.

FISHING IN THE TOILET. Didn’t I spend, like, 3 years teaching people to stay out of the toilet? And then I’m supposed to put FOOD in there? Does this person even HAVE kids?

And since no one ever gets tired of chipping toothpaste cement off the bathroom counter, there’s this one –

Elf 7

Maybe he’s just setting the scene for his Hot Tub Par-Tay!

Elf 1

Barbies are such trollops.

Elf! What does a girl have to do to get a drink during this for-the-children holiday extravaganza?

Elf 2

Uh-oh. Elf overdid it. Blame it on the Goose, Elf.

Elf 5

Elf-on-a-shelf. Keeping it classy.

elf 3

The other toys are tired of Elf’s nonsense. Watch out, my pretties, or they’ll come for you, too.

Elf 6

Sweetie, stop crying. It’s CUTE! Not scary! See the other toys are holding Elf hostage! Isn’t that funny? Because he got loaded and had a naked Barbie party in the sink and He-Man is jealous! He-Man has been trying to get in Barbie’s pants for YEARS. It’s funny! Sweetie. Stop crying. Your toys won’t tape you to the floor in the middle of the night. It’s just pretend. Mom did it. What? No, mom doesn’t think it’s funny when you don’t flush. Just when Elf doesn’t. He poops chocolate! Isn’t that hilarious! Sweetie. Stop crying.

Verdict?

Elf on a Shelf: Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Get Real, Pinterest

In CategoryNavel Gazing
ByDeb

So I’ve been cruising Pinterest lately, looking for Christmas Gift Ideas and Christmas Decorating Ideas and All Things Christmas because I am INTO IT this year people, and I’ve come across a few Pins that make me Snort Derisively. 

(what? ME? no, that can’t be right.)

 

Pinterest 1

Listen. I have pictures of my kids on  my phone, too (no I don’t. I compulsively download and delete them and then look like a horrible mom when people ask to see pictures. you are more likely to see weird stuff I find at the thrift store on my phone than my own kids. I know. I’m the best mom ever), but how is this cute? First of all, I see upset kids regularly and I don’t think it’s a fun treat. Second of all, I also see entirely too many kid boogers in real life and don’t need to Preserve the Magic.

 

Pinterest 2

That is not homemade hot chocolate. No. It is homemade dry shampoo.

MADE FROM COCOA.

Because nothing says sexy like finding a way to go 4 days without a shower.

Or a pillowcase smeared with brown and covered in chocolate-loving bugs.

 

Pinterest 4

Toilet.

Paper.

Lincoln Logs.

PEOPLE. STEP AWAY FROM THE TOILET PAPER ROLLS.

How are they cutting those? With scissors? Surely scissors would smash the tube because it’s a TOILET PAPER ROLL. An exacto knife? Perhaps. How many fingers are you willing to sacrifice for this project?

ALSO. Toilet paper costs around 50 cents a roll.

Lincoln Logs cost $30 for a set of 120 pieces, or 25 cents per piece.

I realize that everyone has toilet paper rolls and no one is buying them specifically to make crappy (hah!) toys that will cause your kids eyes to well up with tears o’ sadness, but probably you could make more money spending two hours clipping COUPONS for toilet paper than trying to carve the tubes into something that will be demolished in 45 seconds you cheap, cheap, cheapass.

Toilet paper rolls belong in the TRASH, people.