This Never Happens With Oreos

In CategoryNavel Gazing

So the other night, I was doing a bunch of cooking for the freezer, as is my wont, and I was making Green Chile and Tomatillo Pork Stew (which is quite possibly the BEST THING EVER).

I was actually cooking a ton of stuff at the same time, because at some point I would like to sit on my butt and watch television instead of cook dinner all the dadgum time, you know what I’m saying?

So I was sauteing onions and chopping jalapenos, and giving Jim directions on what to get me out of the pantry, when a jalapeno seed flew in my eye.



As you may know, the seeds contain a majority of the HEAT in a pepper.

I race to the sink, shrieking “ohmygosh-ohmygosh-ohmygosh” over and over again, trying to pry open my eyes to rip my contacts out and flush them with water, but then realizing that my hands were covered with jalapeno oils and I was actually making it worse, and I’m essentially blinded and blinking and flushing and I can FEEL the SEED burning a HOLE IN MY RETINA, practically, and I’m washing my hands and trying to scoop cold water into my face and I can feel the seed up under my eyelid and it was basically a whole THING.

In between gasps of AGONY, I still managed to give Jim instructions, telling him to turn down the onions and open the tomato paste for me. Multitasking!

After all the hubbub settled down and we determined I didn’t need to go to the stupid EMERGENCY ROOM on MEMORIAL DAY, which surely would have been a cheap visit, Jim asked me if I would rather have a jalapeno pepper in my eye, or an ant.

I still don’t know.

Random Monday

In CategoryRandom Monday


• Actual conversation:

Jim, cleaning the bathroom: You should knit something for the toilet paper in here.

Me: What are you talking about? You mean like little hats?

Jim: Yeah.

Sometimes, people. Sometimes I just don’t know about that one.

• My daughter has entered this new phase where she stays up too late chattering to herself and then doesn’t get enough sleep and then she whines all day and then I want to stab myself in the ears with those little forks they give you to get all the crab out of the crab legs. Crabs: Spiders of the Sea.

• Jim’s mom bought the kids their first real bike this weekend. After a year and a half of Go-Gliding, they got the hang of pedaling in about 5 minutes. LITERALLY five minutes. We skipped over that whole training-wheels thing, which I am super happy about because as you know, running up and down the street while my kids learn to bicycle is not on my list of things to do. If you see me running, you better believe it’s because a scary clown is chasing me. A scary clown with a knife. I’d probably fight a clown that didn’t have a weapon, just to avoid running.

What was I talking about?

Anyway. If you have kids who are that Getting-Their-First-Bike age, I cannot recommend a Glide Bike strongly enough. Even Jim is all like, “wow, you should write a review on their website, those things were amazing.” Which he said from the comfort of his lawn chair while the kids raced around the cul-de-sac. I should add that it didn’t take them a year and a half to learn how to glide, it just took us that long to buy real bikes because of all the adventuring and plus because we suck.

• Happy Monday, y’all! Happy Memorial Day! Think of those who gave their lives for us and grill a steak. That’s what I’m gonna do. I guess you vegetarians could grill a slab of tofu or some lentils or whatever. Whatever sounds better.

Link up with your own Randomness below!

Random Monday – 3rd Rate Music Show Edition

In CategoryRandom Monday


We watched part of the Billboard Music Awards last night, due primarily to a lack of interest in anything else. I figured the BM Awards was a D-List show when Kanye West didn’t jump on stage and have a hissy fit when Taylor Swift won everything.

Here are some things I discovered:

• Madonna still thinks people want to see her half-naked. Mistakenly. Lady, you are 54 years old. Put on some clothes.

• Jim’s Coolness Factor would increase exponentially if he changed his name to PitBull. He’s not going for it. Lame.

• These shows always make me feel like I am too old for music. Judging by Miley Cyrus’ outfit last night, not only do I not understand music, I don’t understand clothes.


• Speaking of clothes, it looks like high-cut leotards and thigh-high boots are the new It Look. Or maybe it’s not new. Beyonce has been wearing leotards for years. Way to be original, Jennifer Lopez.

jennifer Lopez

I’m not sold on the red puffy Big Bird sleeves. Yet.

• Justin Bieber gets more insufferable with each passing day. Sorry Beliebers. Can someone tell me what is going on with his pants?


I know he’s just a kid, but does he not understand how pants work? Don’t inseams generally go higher than one’s knee? He pretty though.

• One of those girls from Destiny’s Child who is not Beyonce told me that if I don’t know from Electronic Dance Music, I should get out more. Then they played some truly unbearable, almost seizure-inducing crap that made me want to never, ever, ever go anywhere that is happening.

• Is is just me, or do musicians dress like science fiction characters?

erykah badu
white bathrobe? check.
ginormous golden rope epaulets? check.
huge gold cuffs from another galaxy? check.

• Nicki Minaj should be ashamed of herself.

Happy Monday, y’all! Link up with your own Randomness below!

Random Monday

In CategoryRandom Monday


• This absolutely terrific post from the Freedom to Learn blog – The Most Basic Freedom is the Freedom to Quit.

• This post – What We Did When Our Son Was Failing School.

• Last week was my birthday.


I am now 42, which I recall from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, is the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, Everything. I need to make sure and remind my family of that. Perhaps it will give me a little extra cachet.

• Jim gave me a sewing machine, which I am SUPER EXCITED about! Meet Bernie –


I did a ton of research and polled all my sewing friends and determined that this is the machine for me. It has enough features to allow me to grow, but it wasn’t so expensive that I will feel like an abject failure if I don’t morph into an expert seamstress in the next three months. Oh! And she was ON SALE! Which, as you know, is the way into my tight-fisted little heart.

• My dear friend, Tressa, sent me this card –


– and for some reason felt compelled to emblazon the outside the envelope with “42.” This undoubtedly devastated the poor mailman who I feel sure thought I was barely 30 and was almost certainly working up the courage to start a flirtation with me.


• Happy Monday, y’all! Link up with your own Randomness below!