Probably you shouldn’t even read this

In CategoryNavel Gazing

I had to go to the gynecologist today.

It was an appointment I considered cancelling all week because I am just SO NOT into those kinds of visits, but I waffled so much that eventually the appointment time arrived and I hadn’t done it and had no choice but to go.

My doctor apparently takes her job seriously, so she ordered all sorts of bloodwork and mammograms and general unpleasantness and lectured me mildly with sentences that all seemed to start with “now that you’re forty…”

I thought quite a bit about whether or not to write about the whole thing, but realized after a while whinging about someone wielding what is essentially a giant eyelash curler near my Lady Garden was Inappropriate and Not a Suitable Blog Topic.

Even though the nurse told me to go upstairs to the lab to get my blood drawn and I sat there for TWENTY MINTUES before they finally told me that it was a fasting blood draw,

and even though at that point I had nothing to eat all day except some coffee, the cream and sugar would skew the results so I have to go back tomorrow before I go to my very-first-ever-mammogram-oh-my-gosh-HOLD ME PEOPLE,

and even though during that twenty minutes a really old, really overweight man wearing disturbingly tiny and ill-fitting shorts and who also maybe hadn’t had a shower in a couple of days FELL ON ME when he tripped getting out of his wheelchair to go give a urine sample and did I mention he FELL RIGHT ONE ME and the whole story is gross and maybe funny and an old man FELL RIGHT IN MY LAP RIGHT ON ME and everyone in the waiting room gasped collectively and leapt up to get him off of me from where HE FELL RIGHT ON ME, I resolved not to write about it and drag the tone of this heretofore classy blog down by talking about it.

Because I am a lady.

See you Monday.

12 Responses to “Probably you shouldn’t even read this”

  1. Nan | Says:

    ” a giant eyelash curler near my Lady Garden” — this made me laugh like a long haul trucker.
    Nan |´s last blog post ..Rocking the Garden.

  2. kristy Says:

    Oh my gosh…you are hysterical. And classy.
    kristy´s last blog post ..Going Back to Cali….

  3. Helena Says:

    This had me stomping my feet with laughter, Deb. Laughing so hard and so loudly that my husband and son both rushed over to see. My husband I let look. As for my boy, I said he needed to wait ’til he was older.

    Eyelash curler!
    Lady Garden!
    Disturbingly tiny and ill-fitting shorts!
    Bah! Ha Ha!

    (Though I’m not laughing at the poor man’s misfortune, you know, to fall, in the doctor’s office, ON TOP OF YOU. Or your misfortune to be FALLEN ON TOP OF. That would be insensitive of me. Just thought I’d make that clear.)

    Unbelievably brilliant, Deb. Good thing you didn’t write about ANY of this. We might have died laughing.
    Helena´s last blog post ..5 senses

  4. hi kooky Says:

    oh. my. word. :O 🙁 😀

  5. Applie Says:

    Um… I have no words for this post.
    Applie´s last blog post ..Kara Frazier

  6. Kevin Says:

    Your gynecologist curls your hair? I’m not sure that is normal. You might want to confer with your girlfriends about that one.

    I’m thinking it would be inappropriate for me to comment on this post. Yep, I’m sure of it.

  7. Happy Elf Mom Says:

    WHAT was an old man doing at the gynecologist’s? Smelly old guys don’t usually do the “gender reassignment surgery” thing.

    Did he give his urine sample right there? Ew.
    Happy Elf Mom´s last blog post ..Bad Parenting? Or Bad Schools?

  8. Eddie Says:

    Bwahahahaha! I don’t know which part of your story is worse!!!!! Oh, yikes.
    Eddie´s last blog post ..A speedy storm-lamp-type thing

  9. Julie Says:

    So funny! but I know it didn’t seem at the time! I too have been putting off such an appointment. You would think after giving birth twice it would be a piece of cake. It is not a piece of cake. It is more like a piece of ill seasoned chicken that tastes questionable, but you still have to eat it because your mother and law is serving it to you. Yeah. that’s about right.

  10. Liz Says:

    *So* glad I skipped that post!

  11. maysdays Says:


  12. Tina H. Says:

    Hey, mammograms are not that bad. Getting the BOOB SQUISH is nothing compared to my image of an eyelash curler near a Lady Garden. 🙂
    Tina H.´s last blog post ..The Start of Our Summer Hiatus