An Evening at Home

In CategoryNavel Gazing
ByDeb

Last night, Jim and I were watching television, and a character on Castle had recorded someone’s confession on his phone.

I was all, “how do they do that? can you really just go around recording people on your phone?” and he rolled his eyes and said “you’re phone probably does that.”

(He’s jealous of my phone because he only has some lame Blackberry for work and can’t play Angry Birds. It makes him bitter.)

So I checked my phone, and whaddaya know! I CAN record stuff!

Obviously, I spent the rest of the evening recording myself and following him around asking him if that’s what my voice really sounds like.

Recorded at 9:35pm

Me: okay. okay. this is my real voice. wait – the needles not moving. oh, okay. Oh! I know! I love the Real Housewives. I love Mob Wives. I love Trash and Crap. Now you –

Jim: I love cookies and silence. And Starbucks.

Me: Yeah, real Starbucks, not lame-ass Starbucks. Oooh! Let’s do cursing! (insert cursing)

Jim: I never swear.

Me: Right. I wanna know what I sound like when I curse. Do I sound cool or do I sound like I’m trying to hard?

Me (gangster whisper): you sonofabeeeeech!

Recorded at 9:42pm

Me: Okay. Here is my Great Idea! I will take blog notes into my phone. Oooh! Plus I can see if I’m funny when I’m telling a story. I mean, HOW funny I am, not IF I’m funny. I can measure the funnyness. Okay, First Idea. Blog about how crabby Jim got when I discovered the voice record feature and how he refused to curse with me because he is hoity-toity. Do you wanna say something? Do you want to pull the stick out? Come on. Say something. Tell that joke about the leprechaun.

Jim: I don’t know what you are talking about.

Me: It’s not like it’s going to the CIA or something. What are you afraid of?

Jim: I’m not afraid of anything, I’m watching tv.

Me: Say something highbrow then.

Jim: Get your (insert cursing) phone out of my face.

Me: Oooh! We can play reporter! (serious voice) Do you have any comment?

He grabs at the phone

Me: Don’t touch it!

Us, Simultaneously: That’s what she said!

Recorded at 10:54pm

Me: Okay. Here’s my note. Do I have to preface it like that? It’s kind of obvious I’m leaving a note. Okay. I think I sound like a cross between a Kardashian and a chipmunk. A poor Kardashian.

Jim: I love how I get to listen to everything you say twice now.

Me: This is my process. I have a process now. Like a writer. Do you want to say anything? Look at the microphone. Doesn’t that inspire you?

Jim: Be quiet.

Me: NO! Try again.

Jim: Be very quiet?

Obviously, I was tweeting about this last night while it was happening.

And then this morning when I got up, I noticed that someone had Unfollowed me. Apparently even the mere suggestion of swearing was unpalatable for somebody. I’m trying to be sorry about that. Sort of.

Anyway. If you want to hear my real voice, here it is. DO NOT click on the links if you think I am kidding about the cursing! I swear like a sailor. It’s true. Especially after the kids are in bed. I save it up all day. It’s Jim’s fault. I never swore until I met him.

9:42pm

9:54pm

Jim says he does not understand why there are not more comments on this post. He is wondering if you guys are just all way more mature than we are. This is a distinct possibility, I think. Do you not all hassle your husbands mercilessly? Do you not swear into your phone’s voice memo feature? Probably everyone spends their evenings singing hymns and talking about World Events and stuff; while I am scouring the TV Guide for the latest episode of The Real Housewives and badgering my spouse to go make cookies. Or perhaps the chipmunk quality of my voice has frightened everyone off…? It’s too bad, really. Now I have no incentive to tell the leprechaun joke.