In CategoryAdventure

Last Saturday, we took the kids up to Seattle. We went to the Space Needle –

And looked at the amazing view –

And had the most expensive meal we’ve ever eaten –

Then went to the Ballard Locks –

And watched the boats –

It was an absolutely glorious day in the Pacific Northwest.

Well, except for a few periods where we got lost and blamed each other. Apparently being lost in a big city does not bring out the best in Jim and me. Mostly Jim.

I can say with confidence though, that it was all his fault.

Also at some point, Big rubbed his hand or his face all over some disgusting pile of germs. Three days later, he woke up at 5:30 am, announced he didn’t feel good, and coughed all over my eyeballs.

So now we all have the plague or something.

An Evening at Home

In CategoryNavel Gazing

Last night, Jim and I were watching television, and a character on Castle had recorded someone’s confession on his phone.

I was all, “how do they do that? can you really just go around recording people on your phone?” and he rolled his eyes and said “you’re phone probably does that.”

(He’s jealous of my phone because he only has some lame Blackberry for work and can’t play Angry Birds. It makes him bitter.)

So I checked my phone, and whaddaya know! I CAN record stuff!

Obviously, I spent the rest of the evening recording myself and following him around asking him if that’s what my voice really sounds like.

Recorded at 9:35pm

Me: okay. okay. this is my real voice. wait – the needles not moving. oh, okay. Oh! I know! I love the Real Housewives. I love Mob Wives. I love Trash and Crap. Now you –

Jim: I love cookies and silence. And Starbucks.

Me: Yeah, real Starbucks, not lame-ass Starbucks. Oooh! Let’s do cursing! (insert cursing)

Jim: I never swear.

Me: Right. I wanna know what I sound like when I curse. Do I sound cool or do I sound like I’m trying to hard?

Me (gangster whisper): you sonofabeeeeech!

Recorded at 9:42pm

Me: Okay. Here is my Great Idea! I will take blog notes into my phone. Oooh! Plus I can see if I’m funny when I’m telling a story. I mean, HOW funny I am, not IF I’m funny. I can measure the funnyness. Okay, First Idea. Blog about how crabby Jim got when I discovered the voice record feature and how he refused to curse with me because he is hoity-toity. Do you wanna say something? Do you want to pull the stick out? Come on. Say something. Tell that joke about the leprechaun.

Jim: I don’t know what you are talking about.

Me: It’s not like it’s going to the CIA or something. What are you afraid of?

Jim: I’m not afraid of anything, I’m watching tv.

Me: Say something highbrow then.

Jim: Get your (insert cursing) phone out of my face.

Me: Oooh! We can play reporter! (serious voice) Do you have any comment?

He grabs at the phone

Me: Don’t touch it!

Us, Simultaneously: That’s what she said!

Recorded at 10:54pm

Me: Okay. Here’s my note. Do I have to preface it like that? It’s kind of obvious I’m leaving a note. Okay. I think I sound like a cross between a Kardashian and a chipmunk. A poor Kardashian.

Jim: I love how I get to listen to everything you say twice now.

Me: This is my process. I have a process now. Like a writer. Do you want to say anything? Look at the microphone. Doesn’t that inspire you?

Jim: Be quiet.

Me: NO! Try again.

Jim: Be very quiet?

Obviously, I was tweeting about this last night while it was happening.

And then this morning when I got up, I noticed that someone had Unfollowed me. Apparently even the mere suggestion of swearing was unpalatable for somebody. I’m trying to be sorry about that. Sort of.

Anyway. If you want to hear my real voice, here it is. DO NOT click on the links if you think I am kidding about the cursing! I swear like a sailor. It’s true. Especially after the kids are in bed. I save it up all day. It’s Jim’s fault. I never swore until I met him.



Jim says he does not understand why there are not more comments on this post. He is wondering if you guys are just all way more mature than we are. This is a distinct possibility, I think. Do you not all hassle your husbands mercilessly? Do you not swear into your phone’s voice memo feature? Probably everyone spends their evenings singing hymns and talking about World Events and stuff; while I am scouring the TV Guide for the latest episode of The Real Housewives and badgering my spouse to go make cookies. Or perhaps the chipmunk quality of my voice has frightened everyone off…? It’s too bad, really. Now I have no incentive to tell the leprechaun joke.

So that’s not stupid AT ALL

In CategoryNavel Gazing

Or wait – I shouldn’t use the word “stupid.”

The New York City Department of Education is seeking to have words they deem upsetting removed from standardized tests.

Lookit. I don’t think that certain topics should be discussed in school. And I think standardized tests are stupid and pointless.

But banning a whole list of words because someone MIGHT be offended?

Here’s a list:

• Dinosaur
Really? dinosaur? That’s offensive? Seems like a reach to me.

• Children dealing with Serious Issues
That seems more like a concept than a word, but whatever. And who decides what is a Serious Issue? Because we’ve had a lot of discussions around here about whether Mom putting the cheese in the wrong place on a taco constitutes a Serious Issue.

• Computers in the Home – note: it is acceptable to talk about computers in the library
Because people will become jealous if they don’t have a computer at home? Feeling jealous is not the same as feeling offended, so maybe I’m wrong on that one. BUT if I’m right, then I also want to ban all talk of iPods and iPads, because I have neither and cannot bear being reminded of the horrible, iPad-shaped hole in my heart. Also knee-high boots, which I don’t have, but want desperately.

• Homes with swimming pools
See above. Although… I DO hate people who have pools. Who do they think they are?

• Junk food
I’m an unfit teacher by this measure. I turn all math problems into cookies – “if you have SEVEN cookies, and I steal THREE cookies…?

• Bodily Functions
Okay. Here’s what I’m wondering at this point. Is it REALLY necessary to ban talk of BODILY FUNCTIONS on a New York City Standardized Test? What kind of questions did they have BEFORE the ban?

The whole list has something like 50 words on it. I don’t see how they narrowed it down, frankly.

You know what’s offensive? The price of gas, that’s offensive. And how loud my children smack when they eat. And people who don’t know the difference between knitting and crocheting. And people who mix up lose and loose. And people who mispronounce the word realtor.

And this. This has to be the most offensive commercial I’ve ever seen:

Firstly, everyone who is in a position to need to buy diapers knows what happens in them and they’d just as soon not think about it more than is absolutely necessary. Secondly, people who DON’T need to buy diapers don’t want to think about it either.

So there you go. I somehow got from a word ban to a diaper commercial. Interpret as you will.

Random Monday

In CategoryRandom Monday

• Sometimes when I’m making dinner and my kids are yapping around my ankles, “Mommy! Mommy! Mom! MOM!” I have this tiny dizzying moment where for a split second I think, “holy crap, they’re talking to ME. I’m the mommy! I’m in charge of these people!”

Just now, when I was picking up the toys that were in the middle of the road on my way upstairs to get my daughter out of the tub, I thought, “when did I turn into the person in charge of picking up toys? When did I become the person who CARED that the house was clean?”

Wasn’t it just 5 minutes ago that I wondered derisively why my mother was constantly sweeping? Now I’m the sweeper. I’m the boring grown-up, obsessed with stupid things, like how clean baseboards are. Damn it. When did that happen? I feel certain that I’ve been this person for a while, but sometimes it’s still a surprise.

Is that normal?

Nevermind. I don’t want to know if it isn’t.

• I went to Olympia on Sunday to get a haircut, because I just couldn’t stand it for one more minute. My hair was so long that I had taken to using about 6 of my daughters hair clippies to hold it back from my face. Jim was not a fan of this look. He wouldn’t come right out and say it – even when cornered (due to good training), but for the last two weeks there was a lot of “why don’t you make an appointment” and “don’t you need to fix your hair before we go?” and so on.

Finally, I broke down and picked a place out of the phone book that sounded promising. I called and made the appointment, then went to their website to get directions. I discovered I accidentally made an appointment with “the top salon in the Pacific Northwest according to Vogue Magazine.”

So that was an inexpensive visit. She did a great job, though. I got my brows and lip waxed while I was there. There is something invigorating about getting a good brow wax. I feel prettier. Younger even. Like I’m snatching my youth back from the jaws of…of whatever this is. Take that, Forty! I have the upper lip of a 25 year old again!

• I also went to Target to look for new jeans for Little. She’s been wearing her brother’s hand-me-downs, but he’s a skinny, skinny little guy – I buy Slims for him and they are too big. She’s tall (so tall!) and slender too, but even at 5 she has a very feminine shape. I realized the hand-me-down Slims were practically cutting off her circulation, and decided to see what the girls department had.

I didn’t buy anything. Fifteen dollars they want for little girl jeans!



There is not a snowball’s chance that I am paying fifteen dollars for jeans that’ll last for 3 months and spend most of their life getting dirt rubbed on them and the knees ripped out.


My new plan is to dig her shorts out of the Future Clothes bin and hope for warmer weather.

(Hi! I’m a tightwad!)

• I also went to World Market to check out this Biscoff stuff I keep hearing about all over the interwebs. I chickened out and didn’t buy any, but I DID see THIS**:

Which in retrospect, I wish I HAD purchased, just so I could leave it laying around casually on the kitchen table for Jim’s breakfast.

Look! It’s microwaveable!

• Happy Monday, y’all!


** Sorry, sorry, sorry. I know. But how could I NOT share that?