Suddenly Craving Salad**

In CategoryNavel Gazing

As I mentioned last Friday, I have a problem with my hair.

It has some nasty build-up on it. It’s all tacky. Sticky.

It’s a mystery. And it’s increasingly upsetting. Are there tiny elves in this house that paint the top of my head with vaseline in the night? Is it something in the water?

Is it (please no) some new side effect of this stupid peri-menopause?


Am I ever gonna get it out and go back to the silky Lesbian Cop Hair of yesterday?

Every time I get out of the shower, I shove my head in Jim’s face.

Me: Feel it. Does that feel weird? No, really – does it, or is it just me? Stop laughing. Just feel it. Is it worse than yesterday? Feel it. FEEEEEEEEEEEL IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTT.

Jim: Pats me on the head and leans over because I am blocking his view of the television.

Me: Pay attention! I don’t know what’s happening here! It’s really bothering me!

Jim, dryly: I can see that.

Me: And you are acting like you don’t even care!

Jim: I’m pretty sure I said that straight out.


And then I wished we were still at home so I could drive to my best friend’s house and force her to not only touch my hair, but make sympathetic noises and help me brainstorm solutions.

Then I remembered one time, in like, 1984, eavesdropping on one of my mother’s conversations and the other woman swore that the way to get out all that 80’s hairspray buildup was to rinse it in vinegar (and everyone who commented on Friday had the same suggestion).

Pro Tip: If you decide to pour an entire bottle of white vinegar on your head in the shower, don’t open your eyes and consider shaving your legs while it soaks in. That liquid dripping down your face is not water.

As I was lathering up again, wondering if the fourth time would be the charm, I realized two things simultaneously: first, that the hot water was gone; and second, that I had forgotten to wash anything else.

Update: as I got out of the shower and briskly dried my hair with a towel, it occurred to me that maybe the TOWEL is the culprit and I am transferring FABRIC SOFTENER to my hair. Further investigation shall be forthcoming.

Also, the vinegar DID work (and my eyes only burned for TWO HOURS after some idiot opened her eyes under a cascade of vinegar and Head & Shoulders), and my hair is back to being mostly silky. I’m going to get another bottle of vinegar just in case. You can’t be too careful.