Not Inadequate

• Last Thursday, Big brought over some Lego creation and told me it was a portcullis.

I was mystified.

I said, “what are you talking about? what is that? where did you hear that word?”

He’s all, “it’s a gate thing on a castle” and he showed me a picture of it in his Lego book. But I don’t see that WORD anywhere, and can’t figure out where it came from or if he’s using it right, or if it’s even a word at all. And he couldn’t remember where he heard it, either.

So I googled it.

portcullis – gate consisting of an iron or wooden grating that hangs in the entry to a castle or fortified town; can be lowered to prevent passage.

Uh-Huh. Okay.

I guess that’s it then. My services are no longer needed.

Bring on the bon-bons and Real Housewives!

• I love Pinterest so much that I had Sheila from Blog Designs by Sheila make me a new button. See? Up there on the left? By the Twitter button? Isn’t it cute? If anyone wants any matchy bloggy buttons, send Sheila an email. She always gets back to me in, like, 30 minutes with perfection. And if any of you are on Teh Pinterest, feel free to follow the navel-gazing pinboards of a compulsive pinner!

• We spent the weekend cleaning the house we’ve been in and packing up our stuff. We are heading to Washington state this week! Also, deep cleaning a house that I’ve only half-heartedly swiped at for the last 10 weeks has brought me to a new realization: we are pigs. Gag.

• Happy Monday, y’all!

• A couple of weeks ago, Big became quite interested in the sea birds around here. So I did what any lazy good homeschool mom would do – had Amazon send me some books, then chucked them at him and said figure it out lovingly sat and discussed birds until I wanted to run far, far away. But that wasn’t enough, because apparently there are about a ZILLION kinds of seagulls and they are all different in only the most minuscule of ways and looking at pictures was not sufficient. Which meant walking down the street to where the birds hang out and stalking the poor creatures until we could figure out if we have California gulls or Herring gulls.**

If going OUTSIDE and BIRD WATCHING and actively engaging in a spirited discussion about the teensy marks on a SEAGULL’S BEAK is not a sign of true love, I don’t know what is.

I am awarding myself ten-thousand homeschool mom points for this bird business.

I should get a plaque or something.

**eventually narrowed it down to either Western gulls or Glaucous Winged gulls, but couldn’t make a final determination, especially once Birds of Oregon revealed that the two groups often winter and “hybridize together,” at which point I lost the will to live we were satisfied.

• We went to the beach on Monday afternoon (is it awful when I say that? I feel like I’m tossing off something really obnoxious, like “I went for a drive in my Bentley to buy a Birkin Bag and some new Manolos like I do every week” because the beach is JUST SO FREAKING AWESOME and I wonder if talking about getting to go there as often as I used to go to WalMart is mean and heartless to all you guys who can’t go too.)

Anyway.

We went to the beach on Monday and walked down a little further than usual and we SAW SEALS.

SEALS, PEOPLE!

FROLICKING.

THERE WERE SEALS FROLICKING IN THE OCEAN!

Not 20 feet from us!

I squealed like I was 7 years old, it was so exciting.

• I realized in the middle of the night that we need to work on Big’s math facts. He needs to get them down more solidly than regular book work is doing for us. I think flashcards, although boring, are the answer. However, there is no dollar store here, and I didn’t bring any (yes, there are PILES of flashcards at home in storage, fat lot of good they are doing me), and I didn’t want to spend four hundred dollars on ink printing them. Finally, it occured to me to check for an app, and what do you know? The kids LOVE them.

I think it’s the phone. It’s novel. Having them play on it makes me twitchy.

Me: are you okay, baby? it’s not too hard is it?

Kids: it’s FINE mom. jeez.

Me: I was talking to my phone.

Here are the apps I like best – Math Flashcards, Math Bingo, and Montessori Crosswords.

• Read aloud Hello, Mrs. Piggle Wiggle. Listened to chapter 1 of Ordinary Jack by Helen Cresswell on Audible.com.

• Little flew through All About Spelling Lesson 2; Big sulked through spelling and his uncooperative attitude keeps him on Lesson 1 of AAS Level 2.

• Big sulked his way through Math-U-See chapter 20, but did well on the test. He gets to sulk his way to chapter 21. Little finished Singapore Early Bird Kindergarten Math Book A (could that HAVE a longer title?) and began Book B.

Every night before bed, I have this conversation with my daughter:

“Go pee.”

“I DON’T NEED TO GO PEE!”

“Try anyway.”

“I DON’T NEED TO GO PEE!”

“Just try for a minute.”

“NOTHING COME OUT!!!”

“Just sit there for a minute and make sure”

“NOTHING!”

“FINE! GET IN BED THEN!”

Five minutes later ~

“Mom? I need to go pee.”

One time, about two days after I got home from the hospital after having Little, literally having just been gutted like a fish and a 9 pound baby yanked out of me and having all my innerds being held in by staples and good luck, I was standing at the sink washing baby bottles.

And my husband came up to me while I was working, cradling his hand and pointing out a paper cut he had gotten at the hospital. I was all, “are you serious right now?” and he kept insisting, “you don’t understand! It REALLY hurts!”

And then I pulled down the front of my sweatpants and flashed the gigantic bandage that was keeping my guts from falling on the floor.

And then he goes, “oh.”

I swear. Men.

That’s not relevant to anything, except I think it’s a funny story and I like to remind him about it every now and then.

Plus also I have been thinking about babies since there were 3 heart-stopping days last week when I sat anxiously balled up on the couch with a calendar, thinking rude thoughts about the urologist and trying to figure out if we would be adding a third child to our brood; because of course that’s how an unplanned pregnancy would happen to us – after I am firmly in my forties and we have finally given away every last vestige of baby stuff. And are homeless.

But no, I guess it was just stupid peri-menopause messing with me. Thank goodness. I mean, I love babies and everything, and I did have a few flashes of what a sweet big sister Little would be….but I’m FORTY now. I heard enough sentences that began with “…well, the risks at your age…” when I was pregnant at 35. Jim was equally relieved when I came out of the bathroom on Thursday and flashed him a thumbs-up. He’s significantly older than me, you know (forty-THREE).

What? I said it was a non-story.

• We are reading Cheaper by the Dozen aloud in the evenings. When I got to the part where Grandma Gilbraith stores a packet of camphor in her bosom during cold season, I sort of skipped over the bosom talk. But Big could tell I had skipped something and made me go back and read it properly.

So I did.

And then he asked what a bosom was.

So I told him.

And then he got all embarrassed.

So I started telling him stories of my own grandmother and how she put all SORTS of stuff in her bosom – dirty Kleenex mostly.

And then he was even MORE embarrassed.

So now I am bringing up the word Bosom more than is probably entirely appropriate.

A few days ago after they came in from playing outside, Big kept demanding that I feel his forehead. “Mom, feel how sweaty I am! Mom! Feel my head! It’s all sweaty!”

I declined.

He insisted. “Mom! I’m so sweaty! Feel my head! Mom! Why don’t you want to feel my head? Mom!”

Finally I was all, “I can see you’re sweaty. I don’t need to feel it and get sweat all over me. You know what? My bosom sweats, you want any part of that?”

And then he melted into a little puddle of mortification.

Mom for the Win!

• There was a freaking HURRICANE here again this week. Lots of ominous news reports about river flooding, power outages, high surf warnings, etc. etc. At one point there were SIX severe weather alerts on my weather app. So obviously, we went to check it out. And get coffee.

While we were out, I made Jim go into the grocery store and get 3 gallons of water and some candles. He laughed at me, but he wasn’t the one glued to my phone and freaking out at 3 am. I felt better, that’s the main thing. PLUS! Plus we talked about candles and looked online to see how they work. Which I did not know, so it was very educational for all concerned and THAT’S why it made the wrap-up list of Brilliant Accomplishments.

• And we reviewed spelling rules. And Little read aloud to us from Run Bug Run. I can’t even describe what it’s like hearing my children read and knowing I taught them that! So cool. Also it means I’m that much closer to them teaching themselves stuff while I watch The Real Housewives.

We wondered what the sea birds do when it is so stormy. Apparently, they hang out and look grouchy.

Six Severe Weather Alerts. SIX.

GUSTS ABOVE 100 MPH ARE LIKELY.

I’m not gonna lie, it’s a little scary.

** When I wrote this yesterday, there were 5 alerts. I had to change it to 6 last night. This morning when I woke up, there were 8. EIGHT. Lots of ominous warnings about houses falling of the edge of the hill and cars being swept away by less than a foot of rushing water. Oy.

As I mentioned last Friday, I have a problem with my hair.

It has some nasty build-up on it. It’s all tacky. Sticky.

It’s a mystery. And it’s increasingly upsetting. Are there tiny elves in this house that paint the top of my head with vaseline in the night? Is it something in the water?

Is it (please no) some new side effect of this stupid peri-menopause?

What?

Am I ever gonna get it out and go back to the silky Lesbian Cop Hair of yesterday?

Every time I get out of the shower, I shove my head in Jim’s face.

Me: Feel it. Does that feel weird? No, really – does it, or is it just me? Stop laughing. Just feel it. Is it worse than yesterday? Feel it. FEEEEEEEEEEEL IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTT.

Jim: Pats me on the head and leans over because I am blocking his view of the television.

Me: Pay attention! I don’t know what’s happening here! It’s really bothering me!

Jim, dryly: I can see that.

Me: And you are acting like you don’t even care!

Jim: I’m pretty sure I said that straight out.

Me: OH NO YOU DIDDENT

And then I wished we were still at home so I could drive to my best friend’s house and force her to not only touch my hair, but make sympathetic noises and help me brainstorm solutions.

Then I remembered one time, in like, 1984, eavesdropping on one of my mother’s conversations and the other woman swore that the way to get out all that 80′s hairspray buildup was to rinse it in vinegar (and everyone who commented on Friday had the same suggestion).

Pro Tip: If you decide to pour an entire bottle of white vinegar on your head in the shower, don’t open your eyes and consider shaving your legs while it soaks in. That liquid dripping down your face is not water.

As I was lathering up again, wondering if the fourth time would be the charm, I realized two things simultaneously: first, that the hot water was gone; and second, that I had forgotten to wash anything else.

Update: as I got out of the shower and briskly dried my hair with a towel, it occurred to me that maybe the TOWEL is the culprit and I am transferring FABRIC SOFTENER to my hair. Further investigation shall be forthcoming.

Also, the vinegar DID work (and my eyes only burned for TWO HOURS after some idiot opened her eyes under a cascade of vinegar and Head & Shoulders), and my hair is back to being mostly silky. I’m going to get another bottle of vinegar just in case. You can’t be too careful.

** Get it? Because I SMELL LIKE SALAD DRESSING NOW.

This article is too good to wait for Random Monday – In Praise of Homeschooling. Here’s a snippet:

“A general State education is a mere contrivance for moulding people to be exactly like one another; and as the mould in which it casts them is that which pleases the predominant power in the government.”

Yeah. So suck it, haters.

And plus – PLUS !  ”…homeschooling parents save taxpayers an estimated $16 billion annually.”

We don’t need no education
We don’t need no thought control…

• I am at Heart of the Matter today, beginning a series on one of my true passions – freezer cooking. If anyone is interested in how I avoid cooking for weeks on end, while still feeding my family something besides endless pb&j sammies, head over and check it out. I’m taking questions too, so don’t be shy. (Tressa, I was partially inspired to write this for you, since Sucky Friend Deb STILL has not emailed you any recipes. Now I can kill two birds with one stone! Lazy FTW!)

• My kids are still asking for Christmas dvds and Christmas songs. We’ve been listening to Christmas music since, like, OCTOBER. People can only handle so much of the Brian Setzer Orchestra’s Boogie Woogie Christmas. And by “people,” I mean me.

• The government apparently wants to break the internet by passing some bill called the Stop Internet Piracy Act (SOPA). I’m not sure why, but it is in keeping with their policy of “If Ain’t Broke, Quick! Do Something!” (more here, here, and here).

• Jimmie (one day we will wake up and discover that the amazing Jimmie has taken over the entire internet) wrote a great article on Hub Pages last week called Online Friends are Real Friends. I like this article because a) I think everything in it is true; and b) because it makes me feel better about how much affection I feel for my internet buddies. I know that non-online people don’t get what it’s like to feel like part of an imaginary community… Seeing people I know on Pinterest or homeschool forums is like running into a neighbor at the grocery store. Twitter is like bumping into a friend at Starbucks and sitting down to catch up for a quick minute.

Anyway. Not trying to get all mushy here. But AH LUV Y’ALL, MAN. Mwah!

Ta Da! I’m actually gonna do this!

At least once in a row.

Okay, this week we:

• Started back to school at the bright and early time of 10:30am on Monday. Mama’s gotta check in with the internet, you know.

• Spent hours at the beach and learned to identify Limpets, Anemone, Ochre Sea Stars, Snails, Mussels, Barnacles, etc. Read from Seashore of the Pacific Northwest and talked about the tides and tidal zones; identified some of the seashells we have collected and creatures we have seen. Printed out some relevant info from a Magic School Bus literature unit I had; then lost control of the conversation and it turned into a spirited debate about which of the phytoplankton look most like Phineas’s head.

• Tried to deflect Big’s idea to get a flashlight and go octopus hunting in the middle of the night.

• Read Aloud: Mrs. Piggle Wiggle and chapters 1-5 of Cheaper by the Dozen. I have never been the read-aloud mom (Hi! I suck!) so this is a big accomplishment. I am surprised at how much everyone likes it, even my husband wants me to wait until he can listen too. Cheaper by the Dozen might be a little advanced for my group, but it’s our first foray into the reading aloud, so whatever. I LOVED those books my entire childhood. Assuming I don’t backslide into Sucky Mom territory, I think we’ll try the Little House on the Prairie series next.

• There was assorted math and vocabulary; and Little positively breezed through Step One of All About Spelling, solidifying my feeling that the girl is ready to start reading.

• I also became increasingly vexed with the state of my hair. I don’t know if there is something in the water here that’s building up, or if it’s possible that whatever product she used at my last haircut is still cemented to it, but there is SOMETHING ON MY HAIR. Only the hair on the top of my head, not the back or sides. Some film. It’s nasty. I never use products on my hair. I’ve been washing it two or even three times in the shower, but it won’t come out. I alternate shampoo. I’ve even used BAR SOAP on my hair to try to get the gunk off. Right out of the shower, it feels sticky.

Tacky.

Greasy.

GROSS.

Any ideas, internet?