Shopping! Blows!

In CategoryNavel Gazing
ByDeb

So.

After hearing all day Thursday about Kristy’s boot shopping adventures (selflessly offering my opinions via a flurry of dressing-room-picture text messages), I developed a major craving for some rocking knee-high boots myself. I don’t know if a person under 5’2″ can pull off knee-high boots, but that is a minor detail and I am not deterred.

Before I can buy boots, however, I have to buy jeans. As you may remember, about a year ago I had a Denim Epiphany, wherein I realized simply could not stand to have yards of fabric swirling about my ankles for one more minute and I hacked 6 inches off all my pants in a snit.

And then winter came about 15 minutes later and I had cold calves for the next 6 months.

However! My desire to have boots outweighs my dread of jeans shopping. Besides, isn’t this the year the skinny jean makes a return? Not only that, but I have a 30% off Kohl’s coupon burning a hole in my pocket.

I head out, ridiculously optimistic I will find something less elephantine than last year.

Sadly, I can’t find any jeans that are not boot-cut or flared cut or modern cut or whatever stupid name they are putting on jeans now to distract us from the fact that we are really buying BELL BOTTOMS.

Will the Seventies just DIE already?

Apparently not, as evidenced by this year’s latest trend: The Poncho.

Everywhere I looked, there were ponchos.

A poncho here, a poncho there….

Everywhere a poncho, poncho.

Actually, I quite like that last one.

If ponchos aren’t your thing, consider the Ruana. Which I have never heard of, but it’s obvious I am not exactly fashionable, so my ignorance is not a marker for anything.

The Ruana is similar to the poncho, if “similar” means Huge and Blanket-Like.

Perhaps you are wondering whether I got weird looks for taking pictures of all this stuff.

The answer is Yes. Yes, I did.

I received several suspicious glances from one guy in particular, who probably thought I was up to no good. He looked like he was considering reporting me to Security, but what kind of terrorist plot could a short, frumpy housewife wearing cut-off cargo pants be formulating?

I abandoned jeans shopping and headed to the shoe aisle. Even when Clothes That Fit elude me, I can always count on the shoe department to cheer me up.

You know, or not.

I found several rows of knee high boots. Victory is at hand! I cruised through the aisles, collecting a nice stack of boxes. I found a bench and started trying on.

First pair – Vera Wang. Could not even get them over my ANKLE. Fine. It’s Vera Wang, she is unfamiliar with women who weigh more than 80 pounds. I toss those aside and go for the next box. Get those on, but not zipped. Same for the next pair.

Boo.

Maybe knee-high boots are not for me. I go through the rows once again, but can’t find any mid-calf boots.

I take my massive calves home, determined to find something online.  It occurs to me vaguely that boot cut jeans really should suit me better, what with these horrendously gigantor legs.

As soon as I get home, I get on the internet and start looking for The Perfect Boot. You know the one. The sexy, black, easy to get on boot, that transforms me from middle age fashion disaster to pulled-together Woman About Town. Or Woman About Target, more accurately.

I see that the boot descriptions all offer measurements of the shaft (shaft!) and calf circumference. The boots I like have an 8 inch shaft (shaft!) and an 11 inch circumference. This throws me a thought to do some measuring of my own. I measure up my leg eight inches and then go around and get…..wait, the circumference of the boot is only eleven inches?

I remeasure, growing increasingly confused and annoyed.

I keep coming up with a number significantly larger than eleven inches.

I look at my legs, frowning. Is it possible that my calves are really so freakishly huge, yet somehow I’ve gone my entire life without noticing?

I measure my ankle at the narrowest, boniest, least fat-est part, trying to figure out what has gone so horribly wrong with my leg. It measures nine and a half inches.

Nine and a half inches. And the boots are made for a person with eleven inch calves.

Do you see what’s happening here? In order to wear knee-high boots, my calves should be only an INCH AND A HALF bigger than my ankle. An inch and a half!

Stupid, cheeky, non-fashion compliant legs.

I don’t know what kind of person has legs only an inch and a half bigger than a normal (yes? please?) sized ankle, but I dislike them all intensely.

Resigned, I hit the Wide-Calf Boots tab, happy that there might be a few options left in spite of my hideous disfigurement.

This is what comes up –

     Wide Calf Ankle Boot

Uh-huh.

Very funny.

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22 Responses to “Shopping! Blows!”

  1. Kristy Says:

    Ahahahahaha….you are so funny!
    I wish that I had been there.
    I am so sorry that you are not as rockin’ hot as me in my knee high black boots and boot-cut jeans!
    Kristy´s last blog post ..Fall Facts

  2. Kristy Says:

    Oh yeah…I saw all those ponchos too. I actually tried a few on. I decided they were not for me. They looked cute when I was 7 but not when I am 37.
    Kristy´s last blog post ..Fall Facts

  3. SaraB Says:

    I have the wide calf problem. And I’m short. And round. It’s like we’re sisters. Anway….did you try zappos.com? They have a ton of wide calf cute boots, and you can shop by shaft size too. He he he. Shop by shaft size. ho ho he he. OK! I’m going to go now!

  4. April@M3RH Says:

    I can always count on you for a good laugh out loud! Unfortunately, I do not have your wide calf/ankle problem, but rather I am like an apple on toothpicks. Large abdomen with chicken legs.
    I hate, I hate, I hate shopping for clothes for myself. I have a panic attack and break out in a sweat. I hate spending the money and I’m horribly indecisive. I need hours to shop (which I don’t have) and I need to be alone (which I never am). And if, by marvelous chance, I do get time and alone-ness, I would much rather use the opportunity to scour the antique/junk stores. 🙂
    April@M3RH´s last blog post ..Homeschool Friday: 19th Century Week

  5. April@M3RH Says:

    Oh and I just had to go back and read that shaft paragraph again. Just so I could make my husband ask, “What are you laughing at??”
    April@M3RH´s last blog post ..Homeschool Friday: 19th Century Week

  6. Tressa Says:

    hahaha! Thank you for making me laugh on my “I have to organize my cupboards” break. I needed it. What is the shaft? Seriously. I am not sure what that is. I also have the urge to measure the circumference of my leg, but I can’t handle that today. One thing at a time, I say.

    Ponchos? No way. No how. I don’t see anyone wearing them. They would make me look like a box. Not even cute.
    Tressa´s last blog post ..Week in Review #4

  7. hikooky Says:

    I have to admit I like the looks of the ponchos because they seem cozy. And I hate being cold. As for boots, I am short and not-skinny-calved too. I had to pay $$$ for a pair that worked (and only barely. I still sort of pinch my leg when I zip them up…) I know there is a boot company that sells great quality boots and they truly have a wide-calf section. Here’s a link. (You may choke on the price, but they would last.) http://www.duoboots.com/ Be sure to check out the fitting guide!
    hikooky´s last blog post ..fort

  8. Deb Says:

    Yes, I want everyone to measure their ankle and legs and post that here so we can all commiserate together…

  9. Kristy Says:

    okay, seriously…there is something terribly wrong with those dimensions that you gave. I googled “boot shaft” (seriously, I did) and found this measuring link: http://shop.nordstrom.com/c/womens-boots-fit

    So, I told you that I have enormously long legs. It is 18″ from the floor to the back of my knee! The widest part of my calf is about 13″ up! And yes, I will admit that the widest part of my calf is a freakish 16-1/2″ wide!!!!! My ankles are 10″ around.

    Wow. Why did you make me do this?
    Kristy´s last blog post ..Fall Facts

  10. Donna Says:

    Okay, I’ll play. I’m waiting for lasagna to get done – it is taking toooo long.

    Ankle: 7 3/4″
    Calf: 13 1/2″
    Floor to knee: 16 3/4″

  11. SaraB Says:

    Ankle: 8″
    Calf:14
    floor to knee:16″

    Dare I list a thigh measurement? Hmmm….Wait, that made me think of something. I wonder if they make wide shaft thigh high boots for hefty hookers?

  12. Tressa Says:

    OK. I will play, but I can’t say that I am happy about it.
    Ankle: 8.5″
    Calf: 15.5″ (Gosh, that is depressing)
    Floor to knee: 17.5″
    Tressa´s last blog post ..Week in Review #4

  13. tracey Says:

    Heh. Lemme measure my calves….

    Holy shit.

    My ankles are 10 inches. My calves are THIRTEEN INCHES. I am fat? WTF?
    tracey´s last blog post ..Yet another story I’ll treasure once she’s older…

  14. Donetta Says:

    I had to chuckle – 1. because I went shopping yesterday for some narrow leg jeans to wear with boots also. 2. I also went to Kohl’s with a 30% off coupon. 3. I also found only bell bottoms and nothing that would work. UGH!

    I did find some at Target…trying to figure out of the strange looks and chuckles from my family indicate that this kind of overweight, almost 40 year old woman should not be wearing them?? I bought them though. 😀

    Oh, and my calves are way bigger than my ankles if that makes you feel any better. 😉
    Donetta´s last blog post ..The Homeschool Mother’s Journal – September 30

  15. Donetta Says:

    Oops – just read some of the other comments after posting that…I guess others have the same problem! lol!
    Donetta´s last blog post ..The Homeschool Mother’s Journal – September 30

  16. Deb Says:

    Okay, I measured some more and found 2 more depressing measurements. From the floor to the back of my knee is 15″. Fifteen! So short! The widest part of my calf is 18″ IF I pull the measuring tape nice and snug….

    Specialized Online Boot Store For The Large-Legged Woman, here I come.

  17. Kirsten is Comfortably Domestic Says:

    I went in search of the perfect boot last fall. I scoffed at all of the boots labelled “wide calf.” That is until I realized that all of the non-wide calf boots wouldn’t fit around my foot, let alone my calves. So I swallowed what was left of my pride and tried on every wide calf boot I could find. And none of them was the perfect boot.
    Kirsten is Comfortably Domestic´s last blog post ..Sometimes I Can’t Help Myself. Others I Help Myself Too Much. Case In Point: Pumpkin Chai Cupcakes

  18. Nan | wrathofmom Says:

    My calves are so huge I’m not even going to measure them. My ego is too fragile. But my legs basically look like a cobra digesting a HUGE mongoose.

    I love ponchos. Except the ones that come to a vee in front. I fear people will take it as invitation to stare at my crotch. It would appear that I have many, many body issues.
    Nan | wrathofmom´s last blog post ..Things I Am Loving. Things I Am Hating.

  19. Michelle Says:

    Ack! Now you’ve scared me. I was just thinking I want some brown boots this year . . . you know, to go with the black ones that hurt before I even stand in them, much less take three steps. Apparently, I have boxes for feet, because once I finally do shove my poor square foot into the bottom, there’s like two extra inches of toe room. Shopping does suck.
    Michelle´s last blog post ..George and the Dragon

  20. Applie Says:

    LOL

    I am not even going to look at or try on knee-high boots. I do like the ankle boots!

  21. Connie Weiss Says:

    I recently lost two weeks of my life looking online for WIDE CALF BOOTS.

    I almost had 5 pair sent to my home to try on….until my husband caught wind of my plan and said NO.

    I just sent you a picture on twitter.
    Connie Weiss´s last blog post ..Take Me To Bora Bora

  22. Dana Says:

    Hey, I’m a girl with large calves myself and struggled for years to find boots that would zip over my HUGE calves. Since I’m really frugal, they had to be reasonably priced too. I found some at JessicaLondon.com. I’ve had my black knee high boots for about 2 years now and still get compliments every time I wear them. They make me feel amazing too. Hope you find a pair that works for you! 🙂