Underpants: A Rant

In CategoryNavel Gazing

After scolding my daughter to quit picking at her butt for the last 3 weeks, I finally realized that she was doing it because her underwear were too small.

Yet another Super Mom Moment. Poor thing. So I went to Kohl’s and bought her the next size up.

The new ones are too big.

She was wearing a 4, which is too small. The 6’s are too big. That is unacceptable because she will still pick at her butt, just for different reasons. And besides, should anyone have to suffer with ill-fitting underwear? That’s not necessary. However, there is a gigantic difference between a 4 and a 6, which the clothing people apparently do not realize.

(note: I took a picture of the aforementioned giant size difference, but then thought perhaps posting my daughter’s underwear was not the Best Idea Ever.)

There is also a big difference between girls sizes and boys sizes, which I know because there were all those times there was that one time when all her underwear were dirty and I had to stick her in a pair of her brother’s (good gravy, did I just admit that? It’s why I buy everyone, like, 25 pairs. Because we are so on top of the laundry around here), and her brother’s undies fit just fine. The difference between boys and girls clothing sizes is something I could rant about for hours. It’s so aggravating. I shall try to restrain myself.

So now I have this dilemma whether to buy a separate batch of boys underwear for her, hoping somehow to be able to keep them separate, because I may not have many lines, but I will draw one at group underpants; or search high and low and spend a bazillion dollars to find little girl’s size 5 underwear.

And while we’re on the subject (apparently interminably, poor readers), why do I have to hunt so hard to find underwear that is not emblazoned with Hannah Montana? Or High School Musical? Or SpongeBob (that cretin)?

I googled Little Girls Underwear, with my hands over my eyes, a little apprehensive about what sort of results that combination of words would yield.

Per the internets suggestion, I took myself off to Old Navy, armed with my wallet, iPhone, and a purse stuffed with representative panties that are too big/too small.

That’s right, gentle readers. I am the lady in Old Navy surreptitiously opening little packets of impossibly tiny underpants and holding them up against other underpants that I fished out of my purse.

I am a class act, people.

In the end, I decided against the girls extra-small bikinis that would probably fit her, because I have an aversion to putting my 4 year old baby into bikinis. She’s four! I might be willing to go with a hipster or slightly low-rise brief, but not a bikini. I swear, the day I see thong underwear in the little girl department, I will have an aneurysm.

I found some non-bikini undies in the toddler department and they fit just fine.

And that concludes this endlessly fascinating foray into underpants shopping.

Or maybe it was just endless.

Ah, well. They can’t all be winners.

14 Responses to “Underpants: A Rant”

  1. Emma Says:

    This was hilarious. I literally and actually laughed out loud. I even read excerpts from this to my husband, who at first said “this is weird” but was also laughing (or at least chuckling) by the end. You made my night…even if it is still day for you.

    Also, they make thongs for little girls, and push up bras too. Seriously – google it. Or read this quote that I pulled from that ever-useful source of information, Wikipedia.

    Of particular controversy is the retail by several outlets, including Abercrombie & Fitch, Argos, and Etam, of thongs for children as young as seven, due to their previous association with nude or erotic dancers. A spokesman for Abercrombie & Fitch stated that he could list “at least 100 reasons why a young girl would want thong underwear.”[20] This controversy spawned a great deal of free publicity for Abercrombie, including a chain letter that received wide circulation.[39] Media attention was drawn to the phenomenon when a British primary head teacher voiced concerns that pupils as young as 10 were wearing thong underwear to school.

  2. SaraB Says:

    Don’t get me started on the underwear for little girls! We were in JC Penny and there were undies that had little monkeys and said “I want a bananna” across the FRONT. Bad enough to be the back, but the front?? Do we really have to have undies with phallic double meanings?

    My six year old still wears size 3T undies, so we are lucky that our selection still inclues princesses and other non offensive characters. BTW, Hanna Andersson has awesome undies, they’re spendy but veeery soft. You can sometimes pick them up new in the package on eBay. Hanna Andersson has really accurate sizing, because it goes by cennimeters.

  3. Kristy Says:

    Oh my word…you are hysterical. I loved this post. I take back everything that I have said on Words with Friends…I love you immensely.

  4. Happy Elf Mom Says:

    I can’t wait until my girly is out of diapers! I don’t care if she wears boys’ underwear! NO ONE better be looking at it anyway…

    And yeahhh, wouldn’t it be nice to live in a normal world where pervies don’t get all hot about girls in underwear?? I am sure that if you posted a pic it would be tastefully done, but it’s a shame one needs to think about these things.

  5. Cynthia Says:

    Just wait until she is too big for size 8 clothing and too small for 10/12 clothing. Where are the 9s for goodness sakes!!!????

  6. Helena Says:

    Mental picture of you at Old Navy: Priceless.

    People pay money to laugh this hard. You need to start charging, Deb! Some kind of pay per view, where we insert a quarter for the next instalment. Tho’ here, I’d have to get a 20c piece and a 5c piece and stick them with sticky tape to a card and mail it to you. But I’d do it, Deb. I swear!

    That was a tangent (and a very abstract one—so sorry!) Thank you for every single word here, my friend.

  7. April@M3RH Says:

    Per the readers’ comment above, Google does offer a virtual tip jar…

    Per the girl wearing the boys’ undies, been there done that, so long as it’s not the other way around, right?

    I feel like you write about all the things I think and do but would never write about. (But I’m glad you do!)

  8. Marcie Says:

    I love reading about your adventures. They really brighten my day. I would love to just sit at your table and have a cup of coffee.

  9. SaraB Says:

    Did I actually type cennimeters instead of centimeters? Face palm.

  10. Connie Weiss Says:

    I realized that my daughters underpants didn’t fit anymore when she would remove them during the day and leave them all over the house. They hurt so she’d drop them anywhere.

    Now she refuses to put the same pair back on after going #2. I need to buy 25 pairs.

    The visual of you in Old Navy is cracking me up!

  11. Julie Says:

    LOL! Don’t get me started on sizing! Also the difference in sizing between brand is incredible! I’ve lost many hours of my life looking for clothes that fit.

  12. Kirsten is Comfortably Domestic Says:

    I have lived my own version of your Old Navy episode in a search for boys undies that fit and didn’t have marketing crap all over them–that stuff falls apart almost immediately. I am kind of glad that I don’t have to buy little girl clothes, because finding a wardrobe of age-appropriate clothing might put me over the edge.

  13. Tina H. Says:

    Oh, I’m with Cynthia, above! My girls are 9 and 10 and long and lean – thus, the 7/8 size fits them in the waist but now makes them look like they are perpetually in high-waters. Yet the 10/12 size is ridiculously big and, if it weren’t for those adjustable-waist pants, they’d be flashing everyone left and right. Why on earth is there not a 9/10 size??!!

  14. tracey Says:

    I haven’t been able to read blogs lately and I MISSED YOU, you funny girl!

    My daughter got gazillions of hand me down undies from the neighbors (Yes. We accept used underwear). Some of them are a little risque. As in, silky and cut high on the hip.

    But, they’re free. So I gulped and just handed them to my baby. Scarily, she fills them out quite nicely. I am worried for her teen years…