Random Monday

In CategoryNavel Gazing, Random Monday

• We had a gigantic garage sale over the weekend. It was scheduled for Friday and Saturday, and I laid awake all night on Thursday worrying no one would come and I’d have to make a zillion trips to the thrift store to get rid of everything.

I shouldn’t have worried. Cars were marching down the street by 7am, and we had gotten rid of most of it by noon, in spite of failing to get the signs up until after 10:00. I forgot to take Before pictures, which I regret very much. We met our goal, even though we gave a ton of it away to cute little kids and old ladies playing the “I’m gonna donate this to charity” card. I finally figured out that was a negotiating ploy when the third little old lady suckered me with the same line.

Every single thing, except about 4 books, was sold.

We all got sunburns, and we made over a thousand dollars. I am still amazed by that.

• On Saturday, I took advantage of a slice of unexpected free time to catch up on teevee. I have discovered the Best. Show. EVER. It’s called Pregnant in Heels and it’s about really rich, really stupid, pregnant women and the Pregnancy Concierge who caters to their every whim (where do I get a concierge? I could totally use one of those. or just a regular minion. either way.)


My favorite woman was pregnant with her third child. Sure, she knew all about strollers and car seats. What she didn’t know was what to name her baby. You see, a persons name is the very first impression you get of them. She was very concerned about developing the baby’s personal brand.

The Personal Brand! Of a BABY. What does that even mean?

And more importantly, did we make a giant personal branding error when we called our son The Super Puker for the first 18 months of his life? 

They hired a Think Tank to help them name their baby. The concierge assembled a team of “experts” (isn’t everyone who has named a baby an “expert”? Well, except for that one lady who named her little girl Latrine. I wouldn’t ask her for advice). They had a poet, a baby blogger, and a linguistics expert.

At one point the baby concierge offered her opinion and the mom was all, “we only want to know what the experts think. Know your place, lady.”

And I was all, “OH NO SHE DIDN’T!”

One of the experts was the vice-something-or-other at a Naming Company. Naming Company? Is that even a thing? Do people just make up job titles and then other people come running at them with buckets of cash? I could name stuff. How about Narcissistic Neon? Disingenuous Daffodil? Conceited Kiwi? Pathetic Pink? Self-Centered Sage?

In any event, the Baby Name Think Tank did not like the name the parents liked, so they dismissed them and got a focus group (I want that job. I would love to sit in a room and tell other people what they should do. or mock their choices. I would be great at mocking). The focus group also hated the name that the parents liked the most.

Obviously, these people didn’t “get” the parents or understand their “needs,” so they had a dinner party with about 16 of their closest friends.

Those idiots didn’t like the name either.

what to do, what to do….

In the end, they named the baby the horrid name that they liked (Bowen), in spite of what all the other people had to say. And it only cost them what – twenty-five thousand dollars?

Morons. I’d have named their entitled little precious for half that.