Not Inadequate

* On Saturday night, my son burst into tears at the dinner table because I put the meat, cheese, and sauce on his taco IN THE WRONG ORDER. Clearly I am a menace to children.

* My dishwasher has started making this horrible, high-pitched, screechy noise. It’s like what a dog whistle would sound like if I could hear it. It’s like that ear worm thing in that Star Trek movie that had me sleeping with my pillow wrapped around my head in 7th grade. It’s like only marginally less painful than driving an ice pick into my eye. In short, it’s a little annoying.

* A big thank you to the lovely Helena, who made me happy when she noticed I didn’t write very much last week. I have been doing a lot of thinking about school-y stuff. To everyone in my vicinity, it probably looks like I am zoning out and playing on Twitter, but I am THINKING and it’s HARRRRRD. If all my internet buddies knew how much affection I feel for them, they would probably take out restraining orders. Melanie, Tressa, Applie, Celtic Muse, Kristy, and the Donna were all very tolerant last week and put up with all sorts of moaning and pestering from me. Melanie, in fact, wrote a whole blog post  at Four Squares to answer my questions, for which I am VERY grateful.

* I have about perfected my Granola Bar recipe. I’ve been trying to tweak it so increase the health factor and decrease the crumbly factor. A crumbly granola bar is just annoying. Not unlike getting your sauce in the wrong place on a taco.

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Granola Bars

In a large bowl, mix together:

• 6 cups rolled oats
• 1 1/2 cups oat flour
• 1 cup flax meal
• 1/2 bag mini chocolate chips

In a separate bowl, whisk together thoroughly:

• 1 can canned pumpkin
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 cup honey
• 1/2 cup vegetable oil
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 4 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice
• 3 teaspoons vanilla
• 2 eggs

Pour the liquid ingredients over the dry ingredients and stir to combine. Line a sheet pan with parchment and press the granola bar mixture into place. Bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes. Let cool slightly, then remove from the pan and cut into bars. These freeze great, and frequently show up at breakfast. Sure, they have chocolate in them, but it’s not much; and the benefits of getting all that pumpkin and flax down their little beaks outweighs any guilt I might feel about chocolate for breakfast. I am planning on decreasing the sugar level over time, but I have to be Sneaky and Gradual about it.

Have a good week, peeps!

I only need 4 more comments to hit 1000 comments!

Which is a completely pointless, arbitrary, and irrelevant goal!

Nevertheless!

Gimme some comments!

In completely unrelated news: I am tired of being cold. I am ready for spring.

However, this is no way means I will not be complaining bitterly about the heat in 6 months.

Consider yourselves warned.

Come back lilies! Come back peonies!

•While SOME people watched stupid football all day yesterday, I went to THREE stupid grocery stores trying to get food in the house. Sam’s Club was fun – I took Big and he could not believe his luck when he saw the array of food samples. WalMart, however, about killed me. I got in line behind a young couple who argued over the price of every. single. thing. It took 20 minutes before they could decide if they DID want $3 worth of apples, or DIDN’T want them.

OH MY GOSH PEOPLE! I WILL BUY YOUR STUPID APPLES FOR YOU, JUST LET ME GO HOME!

An hour I was in line!

AN HOUR.

At least I’m not bitter about it. That’s the main thing.

• Also, can someone please tell me when I can stop using a shovel and a fire hose to clean the kitchen after my children eat? When do they stop spraying food in an eight-foot radius like a dadgum lawn sprinkler o’crumbs?

WHEN?

(…please say 6…please say 6…)

• In less grouchy news, I finished my Noro Two-Row Scarf! So! Excited! This scarf has been on my needles since 2009 (don’t judge).

Jared Flood is an amazing fiber artist, and Silk Garden is an amazing yarn. If you go to Flickr, you can see about a thousand different variations on the Two-Row scarf. Each one is unique. In fact, I might need to start another one….winter 2013 is right around the corner.

So I read about Goop, or Non-Newtonian Fluid, over at Our Life in Words.

And I made some for my kids.

And then this happened to my kitchen.

I don’t know why Theresa didn’t warn me.

It’s probably not all her fault. They are my kids, after all. It’s not like it’s my first day here or something.

They deemed it “better than playdoh” and I got almost THREE WHOLE HOURS of mostly uninterrupted time to play on Twitter make a handwriting practice book.

But the absolute best part?

Was when I told them they’d be cleaning it up.

By themselves.

(insert evil laughter)

I love Goop too.

Today I am thrilled to be hosting a giveaway over at Heart of the Matter!

Early in December, I received an email from Keith Garton, the President and Publisher of Red Chair Press. Somehow, someone that works for him stumbled across the drivel that is this blog, and told him about it. Astonishingly, he offered to send me some Funny Bone Readers. He didn’t ask for anything in return – not a review or even a mention.

We got the books in right before Big’s birthday, and (no moss growing here) I wrapped them up for a pressie. 

Big LOVES them! He reads Space Cat and Squid & Pickles all the time. They are humorous little books, which appeals to my son because he has a terrific sense of humor. He’s RAVENOUS when it comes to books, so a set he really likes was a gift for mama, too.

When I saw how much my boy enjoyed these books, I approached Keith about giving a set to a lucky reader. Happily, he agreed. The giveaway will be open to entries for a week at Heart of the Matter. If you have, or know someone who has an emerging reader, click over and enter!

The new issue of Focus on Science is up at Heart of the Matter!

I am SO EXCITED to have my Volcano Unit Study published in this issue - it’s on pages 28 – 31 and am beside myself about it. Check it out if you have a volcano-crazed kid and want to get Awesome Homeschool Mom credit for sitting through all those science documentaries.

• So I guess Kelsey Grammer is a real tool.

• This weekend, as Jim was making a pitcher of iced tea, Big suggested that perhaps Daddy should cut back on his sugar intake. It was hilarious, probably more so because the lecture was not directed at me.

• Speaking of my husband, sometimes I say really vulgar things to him out of the blue – just to see the shocked look on his face. After 17 years, it’s probably become less shocking, but it still amuses me. And amusing myself is one of my favorite hobbies.

• I like butter on my popcorn. But I do not like greasy fingers. So I eat my popcorn with a spoon. Weird? or Genius?

• I KNOW I commented on someone’s blog that I would email them and we could arrange a swap of our unused kindergarten materials, but now I can’t remember WHO that was. I have gone back in my reader and re-read practically every homeschool blogger’s post from December, and I can’t find it. So if it’s you, PLEASE let me know. I have not forgotten about swapping, I promise! I just forgot who I am swapping with! (Wow, that sounds even worse written out than it did in my head. Sorry! Sorry!)

• This is funny -

I have joined the ranks of people who haul their kids every damn place. Big takes ice skating lessons on Wednesday nights, and they both are in swimming lessons on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I don’t know why a 30 minute swimming lesson means I am away from home for two hours, but it does.

The coordinator introduced herself on the first day, and when she found out we were taking advantage of the homeschool discount, she launched into a 15 minute speech about how the Y would give the kids “valuable socialization skills they will carry with them for life.” and also how good it would be for the kids “to be part of a community.”

Blech.

Firstly, I have only signed up for four weeks of lessons. It might be a little much to expect that sitting on the edge of the pool blowing bubbles with 4 other kids will give them such a dramatic edge in their social skills that it will impact their whole LIFE. Secondly, why do people never realize that lecturing homeschool moms about socialization when we are out, in public, doing stuff with our kids is just STUPID. They should switch to knocking on doors to find those mystical people that never go anywhere and lecture THEM.

I know this is common and I should expect it and it’s all part of the territory when you homeschool. But it BUGS ME.

ON THE OTHER HAND, my daughter is SO excited to swim, and SO enthusiastic, and SO fearless, that she is the ONLY ONE who has gotten in trouble for jumping in before the instructor is ready. I noticed this on the first day, and I harped on we talked about the importance of listening to the point I was concerned I would kill her enthusiasm – but the next lesson was the same way.

And at that one, the 20 year old instructor wanted to talk to me about it.

I was in the principal’s office at the Y.

And I am old enough to be the principal’s mother.

Double Blech.

And then I go around and around in my head until I make myself sick, because I AM THAT MOM - the one who homeschools unsocialized hyenas and it’s all my fault that she doesn’t listen better but really it’s the instructor’s fault too because he is not communicating clearly and I mean holding your hands out and saying let’s all jump into the pool and then she jumps into the pool before he said GO is confusing to a 4 year old and oh my GOSH I told him he was doing a great job and not to be afraid of being firm with her and what if he’s MEAN to my baby and THAT’S all my fault too and maybe we should just switch to private lessons because I would rather do that than lecture her about listening to the point where she doesn’t want to go at ALL because the look of pure JOY on her face when she swims makes my heart SO HAPPY and that would probably cost a million dollars and probably I should cowboy up and figure out how to control my hyenas but I don’t know how because I SUCK.

You know. Like that.

I was laying in bed last night, and I realized I felt very anxious. I started scrolling through all the options: did I forget to pay bills? No. Did I forget to go somewhere? No. Did me and Jim have a fight and I’m still upset about it? No.

Am I scared of the 20 year old swim instructor? YES.

Just writing all this out is making me feel pukey.

Am I tempted to go back to hermit mode and not take the kids anywhere until they are less hyena-like? Yes.

Do I find it irritating when people ask themselves questions and then answer them? YES.

This is hard. I don’t like hard. I like ice cream and the Real Housewives of Anywhere.

Really neato children’s bookcase bought at the thrift store down the street? $20

Seeing my children READING QUIETLY: Priceless (albeit fleeting)

Today, while I was making this -

I accidentally did this -

and the whole house smelled like burned plastic for an hour. Oh well.

Ham and Mashed Potato Soup

• 1 stick butter
• 2 shallots, finely minced
• 1/2 cup flour
• 6 cups milk
• 1 1/2 cups shredded cheddar cheese
• 1 pound ham, cubed
• 2-3 cups leftover mashed potatoes
• Salt and pepper to taste

Melt butter in large soup pot. Add shallots and sauté until softened. Sprinkle in flour and whisk for a minute or so. Slowly add milk, whisking constantly. Continue to stir until thickened and bubbly. Add cheese, ham, and mashed potatoes. Stir until smooth. Heat through, but do not boil. Garnish with sour cream if desired.

This soup is warm and comforting. It is helpful to prepare all the ingredients before you begin, because once you add the flour to the butter, you have to devote yourself to stirring. It is also helpful to get good quality ham – I sent my husband to the store and he came back with this really cheap stuff and it does not taste the same as the ham I buy. Surprisingly, this soup also freezes well, with no real discernable difference in texture. It gets a little thicker, but that is easily remedied by adding a little milk.

Naturally, I don’t see any reason to make a small pot of soup when I can make a big one, so I pretty much use this recipe as a ratio guide. This time I used around 4 pounds of ham, 9 cups of mashed potatoes, and over a gallon of milk. I lost track of how much cheese I put in.

What? Remember, I don’t do resolutions.

Nine quarts for the freezer!

This post is linked to Tasty Tuesday, What’s Cooking Wednesday, Real Food Wednesdays, Tempt My Tummy Tuesdays, Tuesdays at the Table, Foodie Friday, Food on Fridays, and anywhere else I can find to ho’ around.