Someone emailed these to me. I don’t know where they came from, but they are full of sage advice and we should all give careful consideration to the following.
How to Conduct Yourself During a Holiday Party
1.) Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2.) Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3.) If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4.) As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5.) Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6.) Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, interspersed with a lot of reading & knitting in front of a fireplace, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7.) If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like snickerdoodles in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
8.) Same for pies …. Apple, Pumpkin, Pecan, have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like Pecan, have two Apples and one Pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9.) Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost… I mean, have some standards. Also it will sit in your gut like a rock and completely kill all efforts to over eat on the really good stuff….like snickerdoodles.
10.) One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.
