Spam, Spam, Eggs and Spam

In CategoryNavel Gazing

Here are just a few of the terrific comments that have been caught in my spam filter –

Followed a link to your website and really enjoyed reading some of the poems here. Thank you for posting them.


Finally, my poetry is recognized.


You lost me, buddy. I mean, I suppose I get what youre saying. I get where youre coming from. But you just seem to have forgotten that there are people out there who can see this issue for what it really is and may not agree with you. You seem to alienate a whole bunch of people who might have been fans of your blog.


Sorry, Dude. I know The Real Housewives can be an inflammatory topic.


There are masses of seats in Chuck E Cheese. We tend to haven’t had to wait to be seated.


Umm….that’s nice?


Poor Anderson Earwood thinks I am an internet therapist –

Virtually all I can think about is smoking. I am in a really depressing emotional state.

And yesterday I got some help desk type questions from someone called Aansprakelijkheidsverzekering. Can you imagine having that many letters in your name? It must suck when she is filling out forms. She probably can’t play sports because her name would run right into her armpits on her shirt.


And now – Literature

In CategoryNavel Gazing

This afternoon I took the kids outside.

They tell me they are going to ride trikes like nice little stepford children, but it’s just a trick because the minute they haul all the assorted bikes and trikes into the driveway, they abandon them and go hunting for dirt. Those kids could find a mud puddle in a drought. Going outside always turns into a big, stupid, pain in my ass that results in dirty floors, afternoon baths, and demands for hot chocolate.

So I huddled in the garage with my knitting, listened to the radio and wondered when Timothy Olyphant was coming back to television (mmmm….Timothy Olyphant…). The kids went around the corner of the house and hunted for dinosaur bones, which was actually code for Digging Up All The Bulbs In The Flowerbed.

After a while, Little came up to me.

Little: Mommy, I have a story about Ranger Little! She works in the woods.

Me: Oh, are you a Park Ranger today?

Little: NO, Mom (eye roll), it’s not about ME, it’s about a DIFFERENT Little and she’s a RANGER. Now let me tell the story. (unspoken: zomg mom, keep up.)

Once upon a time, there was Ranger Little, and she worked in the forest.

One day, she heard a rumble and it was an earthquake and she fell into a CRACK! And then, she said YOWCH! because there were stickers down there!

And then she popped her head up and heard another sound, like this – sssSSSSssss.

And it was a SNAKE! And the snake ATE Ranger Little! He started at the head and went CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP! and ate her ALL up!

And then Ranger Little turned into snake poop.

The End.

Bullets and Cookies

In CategoryCooking, Navel Gazing
  • Yesterday my plan to sit on my butt and do nothing except knit, watch football, and eat cookies was foiled by my husband spilling a Grande Mocha all over the first decent couch we’ve owned in 16 years of marriage and which cost more than my first and second car COMBINED. Apparently I was a little….umm…..grouchy about it. However, less than 24 hours later, I spilled coffee all over my keyboard. So I sent him an email and invited him to make fun of me. Hopefully that will satisfy that smug bitch, karma.

  • I have knit a whole bunch of hats for the kids in the last few weeks (one of them has a volcano button!), but keep forgetting to take pictures because I am in a hurry to put them under the tree. I shall have postpone my bragging until after Christmas. I know, it’s a crashing disappointment. Try not to let it ruin your holidays.

  • I stayed up until after midnight last night making my annual Mexican Wedding Cake Cookies. I have not decided yet what my position is on sharing.

    Mexican Wedding Cake Cookies

    Cream together:
    1 cup softened (not melted!) butter
    ¾ cup confectioner’s sugar
    1 teaspoon vanilla
    Blend in:
    1 cup chopped nuts (almonds or walnuts)
    2 cups flour

    Shape into ¾” balls. Place ½” apart on greased cookie sheet.

    Bake 25-30 minutes @ 325 degrees, or until barely golden around edges,

    Roll in confectioner’s sugar while still warm.

    Sharing is optional.

    And now…Art.

    In CategoryNavel Gazing

    The other day, I took Big grocery shopping with me. I make my lists in steno notebooks, and I usually let the kids draw pictures while we are shopping. You know, to distract them from whining.

    While we were in the checkout, he showed me what he had drawn –

    Big: Look what I drew! It’s me and you and Daddy and Little and we are all holding hands and the hearts tell how the love goes through all of us.

    Me (choking back tears because DUDE! The sweetness!): Oh buddy, that is so nice! I love it. And are those flowers at the bottom?

    Big: No, we are watching tv. See the remote?