Weird and Irrational

In CategoryNavel Gazing

I have a lot of weird and irrational fears.

Well, I don’t think they are irrational, obviously; but I threw that in there to seem less crazy.

When my sister went away to college, I used to call her and give her random bits of advice. Don’t drink and sit in a hot tub. Don’t drink and swim. Don’t drink and go boating (do you know how many alcohol + water fatalities there are every year?) Don’t let your beverages out of your sight at a party.

How would she know what to be afraid of if I didn’t tell her? I was doing my sisterly duty.

Last year for Christmas she told me she wanted new drinking glasses to celebrate buying her first house. I immediately sent her an email outlining the advantages of acrylic over glass. What if I bought her glass and her dishwasher went on the fritz and she had to wash her dishes by hand and she cut herself deeply, passed out from loss of blood and her cats ate her before anyone discovered her body? 

That would be gross.

And what about balloons? Those things are Instruments of Death. I’ve never let either of the kids play with one. 

All the things the government has banned, yet they have totally missed the balloon thing. Once we were in Kansas visiting Jim’s family when Big was about 10 months old. One of his relatives was letting their 2 year old play with a balloon. I was, natch, horrified at that. I pulled Jim aside and hissed, “do you SEE what they are letting him PLAY WITH? Can you BELIEVE IT?!” like it was a dirty needle or something. 

These same people later demonstrated to us how much the baby loved beer, and how cute that was. More horrified whispering ensued, “why don’t they just change his name to ALCOHOLIC and be done with it!”

Sometimes you just don’t want to know what sort of gene pool you’re dealing with.

I have a friend who never lets her kids have spiral-bound notebooks because she worries the metal spiral thingy will get caught in their eye.

Now THAT’S weird.