Toilets and the Men Who Use Them: A Rant

In CategoryNavel Gazing

I was reading Tracy at Just Another Mommy Blog this morning, and she was talking about keeping her house clean. And then she said something about bathrooms and man-pee.

That’s when my head began to pound and the room went black. Then red. Because OH MY GOSH WITH THE PEE!

Seriously – what is the deal? We are talking about a hole a foot in diameter, and it’s only a couple feet from the business end of the . . . ah . . . business. Maybe if they actually PAID ATTENTION to what they are doing, it wouldn’t go everywhere. I walked past the bathroom once and my husband was LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW.


One mystery solved.

Forget separate sinks in a bathroom. I can share a sink. I want separate toilets. NO! Separate bathrooms entirely! Separate houses! I could live in a tiny guest house in the backyard where no other humans are allowed. Imagine — no muffin crumbs, no dirt, no football, no man-pee . . .

It’s probably what heaven is like.

At the very least I should get one of those wall-mounted toilets like they have in WalMart. No pressing your face against the side of the toilet to scrape the pee out from behind it, just mop underneath. And instead of a rug, throw down one of those disposable paper drop clothy thingys like they put in your car when you go to the mechanic. Toss it in the trash at the end of the day!

Or how about a bathroom that is completely tiled and waterproof, with a big sprayer in the ceiling and a drain in the floor? I can just spray scalding hot water everywhere to clean it. Like a car wash. Or a dishwasher. Or something. Just as long as it doesn’t involve me being in close proximity to dried pee.

I don’t know why I’m not rich. Look at all these terrific ideas.

*Did I say “toilet” too many times? No? TOILET.