A Haircut Story

In CategoryNavel Gazing

Once upon a time, like last year…

I really liked the girl. She was super nice. Once when I was there, I interrupted the engrossing saga of her boyfriend troubles to ask her to cut my bangs a little shorter and she sliced another two inches off.
The next time, I did not ask her to cut my bangs shorter. Consequently, they were too long the instant I left the salon. I did not encourage any boyfriend conversation. I did however, tell her to take off as much as she liked in the back, as long as I would still be able to get it in a ponytail. That was my only hair rule – do whatever you want, as long as it goes into a ponytail. Apparently the term “ponytail” was too vague. She chopped it off right at my jaw (like an arrow saying the double chin is RIGHT HERE), and took a HUGE and mysterious chunk out of the back. After I came home to wash the obligatory three hundred pounds of product out of it, my husband said, “What did she do to your hair?” (seriously? That’s what you’re going to lead with? Have 16 years of marriage taught you nothing?). Later, when I was out of the shower, his eyes flickered to my hair and he casually asked, “You’re not going back to her again, right?” When it dried it looked like a triangle. With a chunk missing.

At least it happened two whole weeks before a visit with my tall, skinny, blonde, glamorous cousin from California.

I suffered through growing it out for the next eleventeen months. I hacked at the bangs myself and got the occasional trim at the place that does it for six dollars. Then around Christmas, I had the weirdest dream that I got it all cut off and I loved it. I couldn’t stop thinking about that dream. I was so happy…so carefree… so thin… 

Around here, these kinds decisions have to be run through the Committee Opposed To Change. I started dropping hints about getting my hair cut and brought home a few of those outrageously expensive hair magazines that promise ten thousand looks that will make you gorgeous!  My husband said I could cut my hair if I let him shave his head. So then we had to take a time out to fight about that for two months, because one of us thought that getting a haircut was the same as going from hair to no hair. Eventually, we called a truce and I won. I still had to make my presentation to the junior members of the committee. I brought out the magazines and showed the kids pictures of what I was considering. 

Big didn’t seem to care about the length of the hair at all, he was busy looking at all the blonde models.

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7 Responses to “A Haircut Story”

  1. Deb Says:

    So what was ultimate decision??

    One time, years ago, I went for a hair cut after have a few glasses of wine. Let’s just say that was a BAD decision. Stay sober at the salon, that is my tip for you.

  2. Deb Says:

    Oh, you want a conclusion to this story? Sorry about that. Yeah, I hacked it off. I did it gradually, going to the salon once a week until it was just right. Then the other day when I told the guy it was just right and I only needed the bangs trimmed a little, he cut like TWO MORE INCHES OFF all around. And then he goes, I’ll just take a little of the bulk out of it, and he started going crazy with the thinning shears. I don’t want my hair THINNED. WTF? That’s my HAIR.

    Anyway, I’m rocking the Lesbian Cop Hair now.

    Having it cut short did not serve to cut off the gray and make it less noticable, like I thought it would. I am surprised people aren’t blinded by the glare, frankly. All of a sudden, people who I thought were my friends are saying “so, when are you going to start coloring your hair” all casual-like.

  3. Best Friend Says:

    I understand about bad haircuts!! So, not only does my family tune me out when I am giving instructions, now my hair stylist. I feel they (ego stylists) don’t think I am trendy enough to know what I want, or mathmatically challenged (when I say two inches that must mean six or seven). My only solace is to continually whine to anyone that passes within a 50 foot radius of my whereabouts.

  4. Diane Says:

    What, no picture. lol. I just recently got alot of mine cut off too and a person at church mentioned my graying also. Do they think we really want or need to hear these comments. lol. Speaking of too much products in the hair, everytime I go to get my hair cut which is like once every 3-4 months I tell them “no product”. Can’t stand the way it makes my hair feel.

  5. Deb Says:

    OH MY GOD. Is “lesbian cop hair” an actual THING? Because another friend, whose blog I read, posted about her own LBC hair a couple months ago, even though she is neither. I am so sheltered.

  6. Deb Says:

    Lesbian Cop Hair is a phrase I heard somewhere…or maybe I read it? Good Grief, I have been a blogger for all of ten minutes and I am already plagiarizing people? I suck. Well, if I start talking about how tall, thin, and glamorous I am, you’ll know that’s a flat out lie.

    I should stick to plot points on the Real Housewives. That Danielle has a diagnosible mental illness, I’m sure of it.

  7. Ashley Says:

    Oh my! If my horrible haircut experience http://ashleyolsonrosen.wordpress.com/2010/03/19/the-saddest-haircut-story-youll-ever-hear-and-i-tipped-him/ hadn’t happened 20 years ago, I’d swear we had the same hairdresser. Except mine was a boy and I think he’s dead. (I didn’t do it.) I like your blog!